Christian single mom shares emotions and thoughts about life, love and loss…
Growing up, I was verbally abused. I remember where I was standing and how I felt the day I was told I was useless, the times I was told “you’ll be sorry” and the moments when insults and discouragement and sarcasm were hurled at me. Some people may think verbal abuse is not as serious or damaging as physical, but compared to the moment I was slapped in the face with such force that my glasses flew off my face, hearing that I meant nothing to someone who was supposed to love and care for me was the ultimate punishment.
I have tried so hard in my Christian walk and as a parent not to imitate all the rage, pain, sarcasm, guilt and insecurity I grew up with and around. My kids would attest to the fact that life at home now is filled with so much more love and peace and understanding than our home ever was with two parents. But events from the past still haunt me, and when I see rage or guilt or sarcasm flung upon my children, it hurts me deeply.
Yesterday was supposed to be a great day, a celebration. And it was wonderful, until the very end when I stood up for my beliefs, my boundaries and my youngest daughter… and because of that (and one foul word I used to describe the person who hurt her), those relationships are destroyed forever and my closest support system is gone. At this point, even if the others would like reconciliation, I do not. I was back to being a kid again, hearing how I ruined the entire day, it was my fault everyone was upset, and that I acted childish.
It was one thing to watch tears come from my little girl’s face, to try to comfort her and explain to her why she was treated the way she was. It was another thing entirely to be blamed for walking off and not wanting to put up with the abuse any longer. I had made it clear at least five times prior that I wanted this person to stop teasing my child, and when he did not, I grabbed our things and said we were leaving.
And I would have, if I had remembered in the heat of the moment that I didn’t bring my own car. So, I took my little one to the bathroom and then to the outdoor chapel, my favorite spot in all of Merlo Park. It’s no secret I wanted to get married there. But apparently nobody else remembered, as Sophia and I ventured to the park exit to find we were left behind. I guess some people think I am stupid enough to put my child in danger by hitchhiking home with a stranger. Well, regardless, without a cell phone we waited an hour and a half before walking down Skyway from Stirling City, making it to the Post Office before our ride came back for us.
Then the blame and hatred began, and I sat in disbelief knowing that this person who abused me, who was abusing my daughter, was not being held accountable for any wrong. I called him an unfavorable name, for which I am sorry, but I do not believe my actions deserved dissolution of a relationship and support system, or the punishment I received by taking those things away from me and my kids.
I am not mad. I am hurt. I am a little scared now to be without family, to be without a car, to be without the support of loved ones I’ve relied on for so long. I am not regretful though. My girls do not need to grow up around words of hate, words of spite, words of anything but love. After the gathering at the park, Andie had to sit and listen to this person speak more words of unkindness about me, calling me “stupid” among other things that included a laundry list of filthy language. Last year a similar incident happened with Sophia because she made a mess while eating her food.
The three of us don’t want to be hurt anymore. We are tired of giving love and apologies and forgiveness and getting nothing of the sort in return. Just because someone offers my family help and support doesn’t mean I will allow them to treat us like dirt. We are special, we are loved and we are worthy of respect.
I sometimes wonder if it’s safer in life to let people trample on you and treat you like crap without rocking the boat. Every time I stand up for myself, draw boundaries for myself or demand respect, I am left behind. This time it was quite literally. I guess God allows others to throw us away so that we can be His treasure. On Him we will rely… on Him alone.
Last I wrote, I had a great job and things were looking up. Things sure do change in a hurry in my life. I spent the last month dealing with police, child services, cancellation of my health insurance and the threat of losing my children in a custody battle. Then yesterday, I rejoined the millions of unemployed. Things seem pretty bleak, huh?
Not really. God will pull us through, and I have total faith in his abilities to let us suffer only to the extent that it brings glory to his name. Someday I’ll be the story that the unbelievers look at in awe and wonder… how did she do it? How did she get through all of that in one piece? I’ll be able to say it was because of my Lord… because of my ability to let go of my life and let him guide me where he wants me.
Where is that now though?
I have no idea. I am so lost. Believers shouldn’t feel helpless and hopeless or lost, but we do from time to time. It’s easy to feel abandoned and tossed aside to be forgotten. It’s easy to think we’re being punished or that we don’t deserve the good in life that we know he can and does provide for others. But I know better. I know that when I was blessed… materially, with a home, nice car, more money than we could spend each month… I was more lost than I am now. At least now I know I am loved and accepted just as I am, poor and all, and I am thankful everyday for his love and the gifts he gives me in my children and friends and family.
However, these recent changes in events have me thinking… where does God want me? I honestly don’t know, but I’m going to be praying about it hard. I have friends and family who would love to see me move to Southern California for a fresh start. Others suggest Reno, where my ex-husband and I were building our home when we separated. My brother in Alabama wants me to join him out there with him and his family.
I know I have so many wonderfully awesome people in my life who want to help and suggest the path the girls and I will heal most quickly on, but I want to go where my future is. But I don’t know what my future holds. It could be love, it could be more children, it could be staying at home with a family or finding another job. It could be remaining single and serving only him and my children for the rest of my life. I have no idea, though I am aware of the gifts he has given me to share with the world. I only need to find how best to share them, and then I believe I will find my way.
I have to admit a change of pace and location would be ideal right about now. With all the heartache over the last year and a half and all the recent turbulence with my in-laws and the California system, I’m ready to run away. The school district is declining faster than could have been anticipated and I dread sending my kids to a school where they don’t have access to a library. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe books will never die and should not be eliminated because of classroom access to the internet.
Now that I have nothing holding me here in Paradise, I am considering relocation. My parents are here and I grew up here… but there’s nothing else. After six months I still don’t feel at home in my new church and after a year of looking for love, I have come to realize it’s not likely to find me here. After a year and a half of looking for a great employer with pay that will sustain me, I see that is just as hard to find.
Where is my future? Who is it with? Where is my happy ending?
Please Lord, send me some answers…
Some days I think I should have kept my blog, Crazy Mom’s Journal. Then when a month between blog posts comes and goes, I wouldn’t feel so bad. It would be self-explanatory that my life is hectic and I haven’t had time.
Truth is, sometimes I think I’ve written to you. I’ll write blog posts in my head and forget to ever get to the laptop to record them. But my mind thinks because I’ve thought it, I’ve already communicated it with you. Weird, I know. Anyway, that’s how a month goes by before I realize I haven’t updated anyone on my life.
The last 30 days have been an equal mix of good and bad.
The good: I got a great job. Spent a day role-playing as a pioneer teacher at the Gold Nugget Museum. Enjoyed many qualities afternoons with my girls. Hired a lawyer to take care of my legal problems.
The bad: My new job takes away a lot of time from my girls. I unexpectedly lost my health insurance, which necessitated borrowing $3,500 to hire a lawyer. I missed the opportunity for the girls and I to get baptized on Mother’s Day.
Overall, things are going pretty well I guess. After all, I am working and earning money and now I have a legal professional on my side during this difficult time. It takes a lot of weight off my shoulders. On the other hand, I’ve been feeling very disconnected from life and fellowship. A lot of it, I think, has to do with my lack of involvement at my new church.
It’s been about five months since we started going to Paradise Alliance Church. It has been difficult going from knowing most of the staff and a lot of the body of Calvary Chapel to knowing almost nobody at this new church. It did take me about 6 months at Calvary before I began to feel a part of the body, so I’m trying to remember that and take it slow… but at the same time, I walk the hallways and miss being able to say hi to friends and church family. I feel like a stranger in my own church right now; it’s not a good feeling.
However, when I met a few of the elders during a Getting Started session at Paradise Alliance, I found I wasn’t alone in this experience. I learned that this time may be a time to focus on myself and my relationship with Christ, instead of right away putting all my energy into serving.
Sometimes I think servants need this kind of recharging in order to keep being the best they can as a servant. I was giving a lot to Calvary Chapel, and part of the reason I left was because of how unbalanced my giving felt as compared to the receiving of the spirit I was feeling. So basically, I’m trying to soak in what I can during this season. Each time I catch myself wishing I could serve, I think it prolongs the time I will need to spend alone.
For now, I’m doing my best to focus on my spiritual recharging. This past week has been hard, and part of that has to do with difficulties with the divorce process I am going through. (After all, I was supposed to have closure in this area a good 8 months ago.) The frustration I felt for my ex translated to general dismay with the entire male species, but I realize I am wrong to do that. I don’t hate men and I never have, but I no longer wear rose-colored glasses thinking they’re all knights in shining armor.
Now that I’m comfortable in my own skin, being single and raising my kids… I find myself thinking that men are an unnecessary distraction. Every time I tell myself I don’t need a man in my life, every time I shut men out of my life, and every time I give up on getting married again… God shows me I’m wrong. His work within my heart is amazing, but it’s such a vulnerable and at times painful feeling. I think he wants me to be open to love from another human being, but guarded enough to not go looking for it. This tells me that I must wait and keep my heart soft, because He will send someone into my life when I least expect it. I will not find him, he will find me. I’m not sure how or where or when, but the expectant hope is exciting.
So in the last 30 days, I’ve learned that the Lord will always continue to carry me, even as I become more self-sufficient. He will continue to provide, even when I don’t think I need it anymore. God is good. I’m excited to see what my future holds, so every time I think I have the answers… just ignore me. I don’t know what’s good for me, but He does.
When I was 15, I worked in the guidance office at the high school I attended. In my spare time, I would spend hours in the career center library, where they stocked college catalogs for the most popular colleges, universities and communities colleges in the state. A few were from out-of-state. I remember wanting to go to Oregon to study Architecture. It only took me a minute to realize I couldn’t move that far away from my mom without putting a huge strain on my umbilical cord.
It was about this time that I began hatching a plan to get out of school. I tricked my parents into signing the consent form for me to take the California High School Proficiency Exam — which back then was available to students 15 and older. Students who pass are legally allowed to leave high school with the equivalent of a diploma once they turn 16 or finish their sophomore year. Of course, I passed, and after my 1st semester of my junior year, I left high school… much to the surprise and disappointment of my parents.
I did go on to college though… but it was too soon. I wish I had known then that kids are not necessarily ready for college straight out of high school. I certainly wasn’t ready at 16 years old. I thought I knew what I wanted to do, but I was still so young that I hadn’t been able to experience life and all the wonderful things in it. After a couple semesters of struggling, I quit school and began working. I was 19 when I went back to college… this time knowing what I wanted to do but not having the discipline to see it through. After three wonderful semesters at a private art school in San Francisco, I gave it up because of an interfering engagement that ended up going nowhere.
My plans have never quite worked the way I had envisioned them, which is why to this day, I hate planning for the future. Sure… it’s nice to daydream and wow, the things I imagine. But time and time again, I’m disappointed and let down. Oh, the list of things I have visualized, began and failed to accomplish. The harshest reality came when I lost my dream home… the one dream bigger than all the others — to not just become a homeowner, but to pick a lot and design your own home from the ground up. After I lost that home six weeks before escrow was to close, along with my marriage (which was much less of a loss than the home, I’m afraid)… I discovered something.
First, and most importantly, I rediscovered God after a 15-year absence. On my knees I came home to welcoming arms and a loving embrace. In the year that followed, I then discovered that my plans never worked out for me because they were not God’s plans for my life. Some things I lost in the past may be a part of His plan for my future, such as owning a home, but it will all happen in His time.
I have a hard time remembering this, so I’m always bummed when things don’t go my way. In the last six months, I saw plans for a single mom’s ministry and two of my top career choices go down the drain after an injury to my wrist. Even with freelance writing, my hand hurts after a day of typing. I’ve come to the point where I’ve realized writing will not sustain me forever. I also find it’s time to admit to myself that there’s so much more I could be doing for myself and my kids.
So, I’m doing it. I’m going back to school in the Fall, as I have planned for more than a year now. Waiting had a lot to do with the divorce and financial aid, but I’m ready and excited. I’m trying not to form expectations, though. I’m also trying to remind myself that I can’t make firm plans about what will happen after I complete the program I’m going to attempt. I’m going to remain flexible and prayerful, believing that God will lay my path out for me. I believe He has already shown me the way and I’m walking towards it, but I also know first hand how straight a path looks until you get to that very end and see a 90 degree turn.
One step at a time. I’m enrolled and next month I’ll be registered. We’ll take it from there, the Lord and myself. For now, I know what I want and what I am physically capable of at this point — to get back to my original love. Before writing, before law, before being a mommy was a twinkle in my eye. A love I discovered in an A-frame cabin on Bass Lake in Minnesota during a cross-country vacation with my grandparents when I was 14… the same trip I discovered the truth about my father’s suicide. And only now looking back can I see just how life-altering that trip was almost 20 years ago.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Lately I’ve noticed that I’m being leery of my suitors and their intentions. If you know anything about me, you know I do have good reason for that; however, I am starting to wonder if I’m being a bit unfair. I’m striking them out before they get up to bat — or worse — judging whether they’re even fit to enter the ballpark.
Stupid baseball analogies.
I don’t want to be single forever, but I’m still scared to let this season of singleness end. How do I put my heart into prayer for something when I have so much fear over it actually happening? I end up having to pray that the Lord takes away my fears of having my dreams come true. There is something wrong with that, I’m certain.
I watched a movie today where a young lady told it how it is — relationships are messy. Someone always gets hurt. Been there, done that. But really, who hasn’t? While most people dust themselves off and start over, I sit right where I fell and begin to wonder if it’s worth it to get up.
I am scared to love again. I don’t know if my heart can stand to be left again.
The Bible says that when two people are married, they are joined as one. When one person leaves, it rips a hole so wide and ragged in the heart of the deserted that it seems irreparable. Even once healing has begun, it’s easy for the ragged edges to catch and tear on something. A year and a half later I still don’t feel whole though I have come so, so far.
A new relationship isn’t going to heal me, I know that. Only Christ can make me whole… and it will take a lifetime I’m sure. I don’t want to wait until I’m fully healed to let another man into my life, but with that said, I suppose it’s going to take one hell of a man to understand how hard it is going to be for me to trust and how hard he is going to need to work to earn that trust.
I am going to need a man who can accept me as a broken human being… who can accept that he can’t change me and won’t try… who will point me to who CAN change me… and who will fight for my love — because I don’t think I’m willing to accept any less than someone who can prove they are in it forever.
I do want to love again, but I don’t know how to get my head and my heart into agreement about whether it’s time. All I can do is pray and trust that God is taking care of my love story. It will happen, in His time, whether that’s now… or later.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to be fair to all the wonderful men out there by giving them the benefit of the doubt. If someone is willing to break through the gates and brave enough to step up to bat, I’ll let God be the umpire, the judge, the jury. I know He wants me to play ball… I feel it. He’s pushing me out there, but I just need to find the courage to leave the dugout.
“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4
It’s like He reads my blog and then immediately gives me an answer. Or at least some direction. Sometimes I wonder if He pays more attention to my writing than He does my prayers… seems like when I make my problems, requests, intercessions visible to the world… He is quicker to respond. I’ve seen it happen time and again with my private journal writings. I think God likes to take a break from listening once in a while, and read.
I haven’t written in a while, and so much has happened since my first post that I don’t even know where to begin. I guess it started here… three events that happened within 24 hours of each other:
I realize that when great things are about to happen, that is when the devil does his best to stop you in your tracks. To take your ideas and put doubt and fear in your mind. I could have shook off those few events and kept moving along, but instead I felt beat down. You see, these weren’t the first three roadblocks or obstacles I had encountered since we started attending Calvary Chapel. The other things are personal and I don’t wish to share them; it’s easier to say that leaving the church had been on my mind for a while before any of the three things above happened.
I did stop going. I wasn’t sure where I should go, but all I knew is that suddenly I was greatly aware that the servant opportunities at Calvary Chapel weren’t not in line with where I felt God was leading me. He had prepared me for bigger and better things, and given me the strength and the desire to do them… but shut the doors in doing them where I was. So I moved on.
My kids and I are now attending CMA (Christian Missionary Alliance) in Paradise, and it’s nice. It’s a large church with what I presume is more income… so the programs and classes and groups and serving opportunities are plentiful. I’ve already met with one of the many pastors and joined a couple short term classes. I’m also getting ready to sign up for a Women’s Retreat that I am really excited about. The service is wonderful and the worship is even better. My girls seem to love their classes too, so I think as soon as I get involved in volunteering I will finally feel at home.
In other news, I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately. What’s new, right?
Well, today’s service was about Joshua and his battles. I’m not sure how we got to this point, but the pastor mentioned how sometimes we are tempted with things that are good, or good enough… not realizing we need to be patient for what is best. One example is Eve. She was tempted with Godliness, but all God wanted from her was Obedience. Both are good, but what God wants for us and from us is better, and best. On my afternoon walk today, I started thinking about this concept more.
First I realized this could explain my battle between wanting to stay home and wanting to get a job. Getting a job with extra money would be a great thing… but maybe what is best for me is being with my girls right now. I have to trust that God knows what is best for me… and be patient in that. I think this lesson can teach me a lot about love, too.
Just last week I was in an awkward situation. One man expressed his interest in going on a date, while I was rather impatiently waiting for another I was more interested in to ask me. I admit I was sort of stalling one while trying to hint to the other that he better get a move on. LOL. Well, it has all worked out so far, as I have talked to the one I was waiting for and found out he was not ready to date or get involved in a relationship. It was another example of realizing that sometimes what I want is not necessarily what is best and what is going to happen.
When I pray to the Lord, I can let him know what my deepest desires are, but I still need to let Him know that I want what He wants for me… and that I’ll wait until He can give that to me. I will trust in Him and have no fear. That’s a hard thing to do! Yet, today I promised myself that if this other man truly wants to get to know me better, I will give him that chance. As of now, I have been scared. I don’t want to be hurt and I’m scared to trust. I suppose when a man is so forward, it makes me more afraid than if I were the one coaxing the situation forward. But what if he is what is best for me? I could be passing up the greatest plans God has in store for me. Of course it may end up not being what He has planned… but how will I know if I walk away in fear?
So whether it’s this man or another, I’m going to keep an open mind when it comes to opportunities that arise in my life… in love, in school, in work, in parenting decisions. I’ll pray and listen and trust and obey… but I’ll be sure not to be quick to judge a situation and what I think is best for me. Only He knows the glorious future in store for me… and I patiently await as it begins to unfold.
Diane
