Set Free

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Diane

Lookout Studio, Grand Canyon (via aneclecticmind.com)

Where are you friend
why aren’t you here
and exactly when did life get so bad

you were my shining light
you showed me God is hope
and gave support when i was sad

but now that i need you near
i’m left to miss you so
’cause you’re nowhere to be found

the pain you must have felt
the days you must have planned
before you lept off solid ground

i wish you could have known
i wish you would have felt
that you weren’t alone that day

i want to hold your hand
and give you one last hug
but heaven is just too far away

do you hear me cry
or see my silent tears
can you feel the pain within me

it’s so hard to let go
i really miss you friend
but i know now, you’re truly set free.

Posted in Loss/Hurts, Poetry | Leave a comment

Nothing to say…

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Diane

I’ve lost the desire to write.

Creatively, mind you. Give me a 550-word assignment on “basement refinishing” optimized with a keyword density of 1.5% and I’ll have it for you in 20 minutes. Ask me to write a moving blog post about the holiday season however, and you’ll be waiting a while. This has nothing to do with whether I had a fulfilling Christmas or not — it was a nice albeit quiet one — but it’s a matter of heart.

I have to admit I’ve been in a funk lately, but that has never had a bearing on my writing before. In fact, I write best when emotionally charged, no matter which direction. Depression? A writer’s best friend.

No, this is something different. It’s an indifference almost. I imagine it’s something like what people feel when in shock. Or grief. Going through the motions of life, taking some time to feel emotions here and there, but mostly shutting out all around you in hopes that the triggers that bring on the avalanche of feelings remain hidden.

Right here, right now — I want to write, but the words won’t come…

Posted in Life | Leave a comment

The Real Thing

Posted on October 23, 2011 by Diane

Why is it so amazingly easy to say no to something I want and yes to something I don’t? Those to whom I’ve said no would never understand and it would take a lifetime of explaining to even get close. Truthfully, I wouldn’t even know where to start.

I know my situation is a product of my own decisions, as there have been opportunities turned down and people turned away. And still, even though I’m not entirely happy with where I’m at, I continue to turn down the things which might bring me joy.

In matters of the heart, I claim to want love and yet give off a vibe that makes me the most unapproachable single mom alive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing it on purpose and I’m not playing games. I do want romance and chemistry and passion… but I don’t believe you should have to work for it. The greatest loves just happen. You have no say over it because the connection is there before either of you even know it. There is no work involved no matter how much self-sacrifice takes place; pure joy covers the effort.

Of all the times I’ve said “I love you” to a man, only once have I experienced such a connection. Our friendship was based on trust and understanding and acceptance right from the start because there was no other option. It just happened, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. No sooner did God bring him into my life did He take him away… perhaps a lesson to learn about what true love should be. Not something predictable by physical proximity, nor each other’s age, upbringing, or vices. But rather it’s a pillar of strength and a beacon of light that shines in the dark and points to the irreplaceable love of the Father. In good times and bad, the bond of friendship never ceases although one can pretend it does. Long enough to walk away can one fool themselves and forever be sorry.

He is gone now and though I fought hard to forget for quite some time, his death has made it harder to do so. Grief is a funny thing; it highlights what is missing in our lives and makes us believe that one shot is all we get. We believe nothing could ever be so good; that we’ve used up all the luck we had.

Say it isn’t so.

No, I’m not playing hard to get. I am hard to get. Love is not a game I want to play, a chance I want to take. I want to wake up in it, unexpectedly, without searching or trying or wondering. Because the real thing, it just happens. It’s there; before you’ve even had the chance to give your heart permission, it’s gone.

It happens. It did happen. It will again. God is so good I have to believe that.

Next time there will be no pretending. No walking away, afraid to fight the norm.

Until then, I may seem lonely and talk about love… I may wish for, hope for love. But I have my blinders on and will continue to say no… because I have realized that if I need to answer, it’s already too late. It’s not real.

 

Posted in Love | 3 Comments

It’s Harvest Time, All the Time!

Posted on August 19, 2011 by Diane

“You know the saying, ‘Four months between planting and harvest.’ But I say, wake up and look around. The fields are already ripe for harvest.” John 4:35

The above verse has the following annotation in my NLT Bible:

4:35 – Sometimes Christians excuse themselves from witnessing by saying that their family or friends aren’t ready to believe. Jesus, however, makes it clear that around us a continual harvest waits to be reaped. Don’t let Jesus find you making excuses. Look around. You will find people ready to hear God’s Word.

Amen!

One day in May of this year, while my grandpa was in Hospice, I called my Pastor Bud to ask if he could come pray for gramps. He was busy but asked Pastor Dave Sweet to come pray for him instead. My grandpa died a couple hours after he left, with family by his side. My mom (cynical and not interested in God at the time) was so thankful grandpa could have that since he had accepted Jesus in his heart just a few months prior, before he declined. My mom wrote Bud and Dave a thank you note, but she struggled hard with gramp’s death. The months of taking care of him had caught up with her and watching him die was too much.

I had been praying for her a lot and she welcomed it. Well, last month was gramp’s would-be birthday and mom went into a week of really horrible grief. I asked her if I could invite Bud to pray with her and she said yes. Although we were never able to arrange it, I did give her one of my pocket-sized books on John 3:16. She later told me she had read a few chapters and over the next couple weeks she began asking me more questions.

We talked a lot about her past (raised and confirmed in the Catholic church, she was leery of churches in general because she equated them with condemnation.) By the way, this is something I hear quite often from people raised in a Catholic or Baptist environment. She asked me if I believed in angels and asked me what I thought about her Bible (it was a Catholic version given to her when she was 13.) She said she had been reading out of it but wanted to know if she should get a new version because she doesn’t want to stay with the Catholic denomination.

I had put all this out of my mind, until a couple days ago, when I came across the above verse from the book of John. I just happen to be in John for my daily Bible reading, and this verse hit me hard. The first thing I thought about was my mom. All of us do presume that people aren’t interested because they don’t flat out say so. But what if they’re just waiting for you to invite them in?

I sent my mom an email that very moment I read the annotation, inviting her to church with us on any Saturday or Wednesday she wants, and her answer blew me away.

YES, without any hesitation whatsoever! And not just “someday” but this very weekend, and each and every weekend her and my dad don’t have plans. We’ll ride together, she said, just let me know what time it starts and ends.

She was waiting for me, for someone — to simply ask.

What if all it takes for someone’s life to be transformed by Christ is asking them to church?

What if there are people out there right in front of you waiting to be harvested?

How many people have you just walked by, assuming they are not ready to hear about Jesus?

For their sake, ask them!  You may think they are not ready, but only God knows for sure… so go back up and read that verse and annotation again, and think of someone God would love for you to reach out to. If they aren’t ready for the harvest, at least you’re planting the seed.

I love you momma, and I can’t wait for you to join us Saturday for Bible shopping and church! <3

Posted in Prayer Life, Witnessing | 2 Comments

Finding my Calling

Posted on July 30, 2011 by Diane

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13

I’m one of those disorganized Bible readers. I jump around to different books on a whim and at times pick up one of my daily devotionals for a quick read instead. I have a hard time remembering to read those every day though, but I did peek at one of my favorites tonight: “Grace for the Moment,” by Max Lucado. The above verse was this morning’s devotional and I wish I had read it before I went about my day.

On the outside, life is good. The kids are healthy, the animals are taken care of, we aren’t starving or at risk of being evicted. I have friends who care for me, family who is there for me, a job that allows me to serve people.

Why do I feel like I’m under constant attack, then?

We’ve all had those times in our lives when it seems like one thing after another is going wrong. Like an ocean wave, life pushes you under and just as you get your head above water and catch a breath, it pushes you down again. You swim and struggle and swim some more against the current, but you’re lucky to get ahead. More likely than not, you are pushed out further from shore with each wave.

I am usually pretty good at going with the flow, adapting to small changes in my environment.

I have been doing this with my job over the last couple months. However, as much as I have tried to adapt and gain perspective and keep an open mind, I have this extremely nagging feeling that I’m fighting against the current. Morale has taken a huge hit and without going into all the details here, I think the changes at the office have been too many, too drastic, too soon. The micro-management has me fearful to do my job properly and the decision to change our schedules, job duties, and how we perform those duties all have me ready to say goodbye.

BUT… I love my job. I love helping parents help their children. What I don’t love is being leashed like a child or talked to like one either.

It makes me heartsick to think of leaving my job, but the fact is I can financially survive without it. I can take better care of my kids without it. I can spend more time at home without it. I can set my own schedule and be sick or take vacation when I need to. I would save 8 hours of travel time a week and more than a hundred dollars in gas a month.

But what about the parents? The children? The satisfaction I get from helping them and helping myself in the process?

I’m sure there must be a way I can continue to serve the special education population, but I don’t know how. I don’t know if it’s what I’m meant to continue doing, though this was my goal when I went back to school. Maybe it was just for a season, though.

I need the Lord’s help. I need wisdom. I need direction.

Will I be ignoring my calling to serve this population if I leave this job, or will my true calling be opened instead? I feel like I was sent to do this, but maybe our calling shifts and changes as we grow and our life circumstances change. I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I know what I want to do (give my notice and go back to freelancing full-time), but is it the right thing to do?

Only the Lord knows, and he will help me.

Posted in Career, Life | 2 Comments

Wall of Lies

Posted on July 28, 2011 by Diane

I lied.

We all have, at some point or another. To protect others, we use white lies and half-truths and call them harmless. All the while we reason… what they don’t know won’t hurt them.

We lie to ourselves also; we fail to face the truth and hide behind assumptions in order to be safe. This can be equally, if not more, dangerous than lying to someone’s face.

It doesn’t matter what kind of lies we tell — none of them are ever appropriate nor acceptable to God. Lying and deception are sins and while we’re all sinners, I cannot stand deceivers and others who thrive off hurting people this way.

So then you might see that for someone such as myself — one who has always been proud of her brutal honesty — realizing a recent habit of lies came as a harsh and painful truth.

I lied both to myself and to another.

The intention was to protect myself, but I ended up hurting myself instead. I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but at the first hint of pain, I closed up and replaced love with lies.

It’s so easy to tell yourself it doesn’t hurt… that it’s okay… that you’ll be alright… that you’re over it. It’s easy at first to tell someone you don’t care when you do. It’s easy to put up a wall and wait for someone to jump over it. What’s easy is not what’s best, however.

If you say no when you mean yes, and never when you want to say now, you grow further and further from the opportunity to know the truth. If you wait for certainty before deeply sharing your heart, you slowly lose the chance to share it at all. And if you shut people out of your life when all you want to do is love on them, you’re not only lying to yourself but cheating them out of an experience as well.

Too many times I’ve fallen in love and lost and I always get back up and try again. In fact, some may say I fall in love too easily, too quickly… but I know it is only because there is much to love about others. I see the good in them even if they don’t see it in themselves. Sometimes it seems like a curse and more often than not I trust people when I shouldn’t.

I am tired of lying.

I am tired of pretending I’m okay with being friends. I am tired of acting like it doesn’t bother me when other girls catch your eye or when I’m not the one you’re thinking of or spending time with. I am tired of convincing myself it will be better this way.

Pushing people away helps me avoid being vulnerable and getting hurt, but I must stop assuming it’s automatically going to happen and I must stop finding ways to sabotage my own efforts.

I’m not going to lie in this moment. My heart is hurting. It has been. Not because of his actions but my own.

He may not have wanted anything more than friendship, but did I even give him the chance to make that decision? I shut him out before the time even came and even with a second chance at friendship, I still push him away. I’m too scared to let him in, to feel unrequited love grow, to lose that love again.

But as long as I hold love at arm’s length, I will never get to embrace it. I will never let anyone in. I will always be alone.

I don’t want that.

So I must remember what love is, put it into practice, and then maybe one day it will endure…

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Posted in Loss/Hurts, Love | Leave a comment

I am Just Me

Posted on July 15, 2011 by Diane

As I’ve aged, I’ve learned to talk less and listen more.

In person at least.

Anyone who knows me knows that you put me in front of a keyboard and I’ll never shut up. But unless someone shows interest in learning more about me by asking me questions, I don’t always volunteer information.

There are two reasons for this:

1.  I am not skilled at communicating verbally, and
2.  I’d rather think, and listen.

Deep in a thought… my blog name has purpose.

I’ve had some wonderful conversations with some great people, don’t get me wrong. The best are the kind with an equal amount of give and take. Offer information, ask for information. Both people have to be interested in what the other has to say… even the slightest hint of otherwise dooms the conversation.

If you want to get to know me, take the time to get to know me.

Don’t ask one question and then dominate the rest of the conversation. I’ll listen, but you won’t learn.

You won’t learn a thing about me.

So here it is.

I’m just a girl who likes a boy. I didn’t need to know his life story before I knew I admired his heart.

But I’m also a girl with a history of men so anxious to leave me that one of them even blew his brains out. Though nothing compares to that loss, going through deception, lies, and betrayal doesn’t get easier.

I don’t believe in sharing certain moments with more than one person at a time – married or not.

I’m just a girl who now defines herself by what she can give… to her kids, her job, her friends and family.

But what I don’t give… is myself.

To someone who can’t appreciate the gift being offered and be happy to enjoy it without wondering what more is out there, what greater treasure may be found in the world of women.

Life’s too short.

I’ll wait for the one ready to give his heart to just one girl.

Posted in Loss/Hurts, Love | 2 Comments

Forgive Me?

Posted on July 9, 2011 by Diane

I’m stubborn. I admit it.

If you asked my friends, they’d probably say I’m the most easy-going and down-to-earth person they know. Yet, when I get an idea into my head, there’s almost no changing my mind. My belief system and opinions about certain things are something I hold onto tightly.

For instance, I believe that my ex-husband will never stop being a pathological liar. Almost nothing would convince me otherwise — even knowing the power of God to change us from the inside-out, no matter our past or present.

Now, this post isn’t about my ex and what he did or didn’t do. It’s about my own personal shortcomings related to this stubbornness.

Over the last few months, I’ve come to realize that once I’ve made up my mind about something — that’s it. There’s no turning back. But the last few days have shown me how incredibly unfair this is to the people in my life.

In particular, I have been dwelling on my inability to fully forgive someone for a past mistake — even though I played an equal part in it.

When someone apologizes for hurting you, how do you react?

  • Accept the apology and move on like nothing happened?
  • Accept the apology but never forget what happened?
  • Or, decide neither to forgive nor forget?

I realized that I have accepted an apology but have not moved on. I’m still holding the past against this person and without reason.

People can and do change.

When God changes us, He does it from the inside-out, which means our outward actions may not quite align with the direction our heart is headed in. On the outside, it’s impossible to know where someone stands with God and that’s not our business to know anyway.

So why do I assume then that people can’t change? They could be changing before my very eyes and I may not even know it!

Nobody wants to open themselves up to hurt. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But I know God would want me to offer unlimited forgiveness… as well as grace.

I cannot be unwilling to give people a second chance just because of my own fears. If everyone treated forgiveness that way, would any of us ever really be forgiven? I have needed this grace so many times myself and I’m thankful that others gave me that second chance.

So I will do it.

I will set aside stubbornness and allow myself to be vulnerable by believing that change is not only possible, but inevitable.

I will fully forgive my friend, moving on without keeping a record of wrongs.

And I will seek forgiveness myself, for failing to believe in him, his progress, and his path to change. Just because I don’t see it with my eyes, doesn’t mean God can’t see it in his heart.

I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?

Posted in Life, Loss/Hurts, Love | 1 Comment

A Lovable Beast

Posted on July 7, 2011 by Diane

“The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved.”

I came across this musical lyric not more than 10 minutes ago while listening to Pandora, and it struck a nerve. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be lovable, what it takes to be lovable, and what kind of walls get put up that keep someone from receiving the love they truly deserve.

I recently watched the new movie release, Beastly, which is a modern retelling of the classic Beauty and the Beast. The concept is the same… man loves beauty, is cursed and turned into a beast, at which point he must get someone to fall in love with him before times runs out or he’ll stay that way forever. It’s a well-known fairytale — one that I have to admit is my favorite — and for good reason.

My heart has always resonated with Beast, in his ugliness. His plight is one people of this world face everyday — how to be lovable when all you feel is hatred for yourself on the inside and out. How do you come to acceptance of the hand you’ve been dealt? Or learn to appreciate what you can offer instead of what you wish you could?

I know there are many people out there right now struggling, wanting to find a reason to be loved. To you, I have something to say.

You’re not alone.

You are beautiful. Inside and out.

You matter. To me. To your friends, family, coworkers. To humanity.

Your life makes a difference. Find that difference. Embrace it. Love it.

This is how love will find you.

Whether your curse is a wall you’ve put up, a job you’re too busy doing, a lack of self confidence in your appearance, or the disapproval of others in any area of your life — know that there is love in this world waiting for you. A curse only holds power if you believe in it, so instead believe you are lovable and prove it to yourself.

I challenge you, like Beast, to take a leap of faith this week. Seek out a source of happiness and explore it. Find that reason to be loved and then share it with others just as I am with you.

“Love wasn’t put in your heart to stay. Love isn’t love until you give it away.”

Posted in Love | Leave a comment

Will Write for Therapy

Posted on April 6, 2011 by Diane

It’s been one of those weeks when I feel way more emotional than usual. It doesn’t happen much these days; I’m more likely to be anxious and wound-up than tearful and quiet, but the sun seems to be gone from more than just the skies this week.

I have a daily journal and used to write in it faithfully each night before bed, but since the Big D, I have had a hard time making that a priority in my busy schedule. I have a hard enough time writing regularly on this blog. But I know me, and I know when I stop writing, I get cranky.

So… let’s do a little “how does that make you feel” and see if it helps.

School – I’m so frustrated with college right now. I’m feeling a lot of pressure to continue to a BA degree, but I’m so done. Tuition keeps going up, I’m in over my head in student loans and I can’t focus on my family the way I need to when school is such a high priority. I just registered for Fall classes today, and I’ll be taking the two classes needed for the AA and I’m taking a break… those other 95 units will have to come in handy when I win the lottery and feel like applying to Chico State.

My Kids – You know me as an honest person, so I just have to say I have had a lot of trouble with one of my girls lately. So. Much. Stress! I finally broke down and made an appointment with a psychiatrist because if I didn’t, I was going to end up seeing one eventually when they locked me in the looney bin. Her follow up is Thursday and hopefully I’ll have a better idea of what’s going on with her so we can deal with it.

My Job – What can I say? I love my job. Sure, it has some stressful moments, but I have great co-workers and a wonderful boss who sees my abilities and passions and is more than happy to tailor my position to uniquely help those in the community who suffer from things I am educated about. If it were a full-time position with benefits, I’d be the happiest person in the world, but for now I’m considering it the best experience a person can get in the world of special needs and disability advocacy.

That leaves the one thing I’m most excited and scared about at the same time – my new love. Oh yes, I don’t doubt that I am in love, fallen hard, but I find myself having a hard time just letting it be. Does that make sense?

It’s been a LONG time since I opened my heart to someone this way and something isn’t right. I don’t feel 100% vulnerable. I’m completely honest with him… I’m myself around him, as far as I know. When he’s over, I discipline my kids the way I normally would, I eat what I normally would, I tell him how I feel about things that are important to me, etc. But I still feel on-guard, which is weird because I’m usually the type that jumps right in and gets too emotionally attached too fast.

I wonder if this means I’m being more mature about all this… treating it like real love and not a fling or lust. On the other hand, I feel guilty… like I’m being distrustful and assuming he will leave if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or look the wrong way in any given moment. It’s not fair to him to make these assumptions or carry these worries based on past events with men who (obviously) didn’t know a thing about real commitment. When you make that decision to be with someone, you decide to accept all of them no matter what.

We’ve already talked about that and both seem to be on the same page as far as what commitment means, but I’m still scared. A part of me thinks that’s a sign of how serious this is or could get. I don’t remember EVER being scared with any men I’ve ever made a commitment to. Never. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

I guess it comes down trusting that other person knows how to handle disappointment, because nobody is perfect and everyone disappoints their partner at some point or another. I’ve lived through plenty of disappointment in my life and know how to handle it well… but does he? Am I selling myself short or not putting enough faith in him? Probably both.

But I love him. I really do.

I just hope he knows how much.

Posted in Life, Loss/Hurts, Love | Leave a comment