Scared to Fall in Love

Lately I’ve noticed that I’m being leery of my suitors and their intentions. If you know anything about me, you know I do have good reason for that; however, I am starting to wonder if I’m being a bit unfair. I’m striking them out before they get up to bat — or worse — judging whether they’re even fit to enter the ballpark.

Stupid baseball analogies.

I don’t want to be single forever, but I’m still scared to let this season of singleness end. How do I put my heart into prayer for something when I have so much fear over it actually happening? I end up having to pray that the Lord takes away my fears of having my dreams come true. There is something wrong with that, I’m certain.

I watched a movie today where a young lady told it how it is — relationships are messy. Someone always gets hurt. Been there, done that. But really, who hasn’t? While most people dust themselves off and start over, I sit right where I fell and begin to wonder if it’s worth it to get up.

I am scared to love again. I don’t know if my heart can stand to be left again.

The Bible says that when two people are married, they are joined as one. When one person leaves, it rips a hole so wide and ragged in the heart of the deserted that it seems irreparable. Even once healing has begun, it’s easy for the ragged edges to catch and tear on something. A year and a half later I still don’t feel whole though I have come so, so far.

A new relationship isn’t going to heal me, I know that. Only Christ can make me whole… and it will take a lifetime I’m sure. I don’t want to wait until I’m fully healed to let another man into my life, but with that said, I suppose it’s going to take one hell of a man to understand how hard it is going to be for me to trust and how hard he is going to need to work to earn that trust.

I am going to need a man who can accept me as a broken human being… who can accept that he can’t change me and won’t try… who will point me to who CAN change me… and who will fight for my love — because I don’t think I’m willing to accept any less than someone who can prove they are in it forever.

I do want to love again, but I don’t know how to get my head and my heart into agreement about whether it’s time. All I can do is pray and trust that God is taking care of my love story. It will happen, in His time, whether that’s now… or later.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to be fair to all the wonderful men out there by giving them the benefit of the doubt. If someone is willing to break through the gates and brave enough to step up to bat, I’ll let God be the umpire, the judge, the jury. I know He wants me to play ball… I feel it. He’s pushing me out there, but I just need to find the courage to leave the dugout.

“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4