We are Never Self-Sufficient

Some days I think I should have kept my blog, Crazy Mom’s Journal. Then when a month between blog posts comes and goes, I wouldn’t feel so bad. It would be self-explanatory that my life is hectic and I haven’t had time.

Truth is, sometimes I think I’ve written to you. I’ll write blog posts in my head and forget to ever get to the laptop to record them. But my mind thinks because I’ve thought it, I’ve already communicated it with you. Weird, I know. Anyway, that’s how a month goes by before I realize I haven’t updated anyone on my life.

The last 30 days have been an equal mix of good and bad.

The good: I got a great job. Spent a day role-playing as a pioneer teacher at the Gold Nugget Museum. Enjoyed many qualities afternoons with my girls. Hired a lawyer to take care of my legal problems.

The bad: My new job takes away a lot of time from my girls. I unexpectedly lost my health insurance, which necessitated borrowing $3,500 to hire a lawyer. I missed the opportunity for the girls and I to get baptized on Mother’s Day.

Overall, things are going pretty well I guess. After all, I am working and earning money and now I have a legal professional on my side during this difficult time. It takes a lot of weight off my shoulders. On the other hand, I’ve been feeling very disconnected from life and fellowship. A lot of it, I think, has to do with my lack of involvement at my new church.

It’s been about five months since we started going to Paradise Alliance Church. It has been difficult going from knowing most of the staff and a lot of the body of Calvary Chapel to knowing almost nobody at this new church. It did take me about 6 months at Calvary before I began to feel a part of the body, so I’m trying to remember that and take it slow… but at the same time, I walk the hallways and miss being able to say hi to friends and church family. I feel like a stranger in my own church right now; it’s not a good feeling.

However, when I met a few of the elders during a Getting Started session at Paradise Alliance, I found I wasn’t alone in this experience. I learned that this time may be a time to focus on myself and my relationship with Christ, instead of right away putting all my energy into serving.

Sometimes I think servants need this kind of recharging in order to keep being the best they can as a servant. I was giving a lot to Calvary Chapel, and part of the reason I left was because of how unbalanced my giving felt as compared to the receiving of the spirit I was feeling. So basically, I’m trying to soak in what I can during this season. Each time I catch myself wishing I could serve, I think it prolongs the time I will need to spend alone.

For now, I’m doing my best to focus on my spiritual recharging. This past week has been hard, and part of that has to do with difficulties with the divorce process I am going through. (After all, I was supposed to have closure in this area a good 8 months ago.) The frustration I felt for my ex translated to general dismay with the entire male species, but I realize I am wrong to do that. I don’t hate men and I never have, but I no longer wear rose-colored glasses thinking they’re all knights in shining armor.

Now that I’m comfortable in my own skin, being single and raising my kids… I find myself thinking that men are an unnecessary distraction. Every time I tell myself I don’t need a man in my life, every time I shut men out of my life, and every time I give up on getting married again… God shows me I’m wrong. His work within my heart is amazing, but it’s such a vulnerable and at times painful feeling. I think he wants me to be open to love from another human being, but guarded enough to not go looking for it. This tells me that I must wait and keep my heart soft, because He will send someone into my life when I least expect it. I will not find him, he will find me. I’m not sure how or where or when, but the expectant hope is exciting.

So in the last 30 days, I’ve learned that the Lord will always continue to carry me, even as I become more self-sufficient. He will continue to provide, even when I don’t think I need it anymore. God is good. I’m excited to see what my future holds, so every time I think I have the answers… just ignore me. I don’t know what’s good for me, but He does.