Hoping for Answers

Last I wrote, I had a great job and things were looking up. Things sure do change in a hurry in my life. I spent the last month dealing with police, child services, cancellation of my health insurance and the threat of losing my children in a custody battle. Then yesterday, I rejoined the millions of unemployed. Things seem pretty bleak, huh?

Not really. God will pull us through, and I have total faith in his abilities to let us suffer only to the extent that it brings glory to his name. Someday I’ll be the story that the unbelievers look at in awe and wonder… how did she do it? How did she get through all of that in one piece? I’ll be able to say it was because of my Lord… because of my ability to let go of my life and let him guide me where he wants me.

Where is that now though?

I have no idea. I am so lost. Believers shouldn’t feel helpless and hopeless or lost, but we do from time to time. It’s easy to feel abandoned and tossed aside to be forgotten. It’s easy to think we’re being punished or that we don’t deserve the good in life that we know he can and does provide for others. But I know better. I know that when I was blessed… materially, with a home, nice car, more money than we could spend each month… I was more lost than I am now. At least now I know I am loved and accepted just as I am, poor and all, and I am thankful everyday for his love and the gifts he gives me in my children and friends and family.

However, these recent changes in events have me thinking… where does God want me? I honestly don’t know, but I’m going to be praying about it hard. I have friends and family who would love to see me move to Southern California for a fresh start. Others suggest Reno, where my ex-husband and I were building our home when we separated. My brother in Alabama wants me to join him out there with him and his family.

I know I have so many wonderfully awesome people in my life who want to help and suggest the path the girls and I will heal most quickly on, but I want to go where my future is. But I don’t know what my future holds. It could be love, it could be more children, it could be staying at home with a family or finding another job. It could be remaining single and serving only him and my children for the rest of my life. I have no idea, though I am aware of the gifts he has given me to share with the world. I only need to find how best to share them, and then I believe I will find my way.

I have to admit a change of pace and location would be ideal right about now. With all the heartache over the last year and a half and all the recent turbulence with my in-laws and the California system, I’m ready to run away. The school district is declining faster than could have been anticipated and I dread sending my kids to a school where they don’t have access to a library. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe books will never die and should not be eliminated because of classroom access to the internet.

Now that I have nothing holding me here in Paradise, I am considering relocation. My parents are here and I grew up here… but there’s nothing else. After six months I still don’t feel at home in my new church and after a year of looking for love, I have come to realize it’s not likely to find me here. After a year and a half of looking for a great employer with pay that will sustain me, I see that is just as hard to find.

Where is my future? Who is it with? Where is my happy ending?

Please Lord, send me some answers…