One Person’s Trash…

Growing up, I was verbally abused. I remember where I was standing and how I felt the day I was told I was useless, the times I was told “you’ll be sorry” and the moments when insults and discouragement and sarcasm were hurled at me. Some people may think verbal abuse is not as serious or damaging as physical, but compared to the moment I was slapped in the face with such force that my glasses flew off my face, hearing that I meant nothing to someone who was supposed to love and care for me was the ultimate punishment.

I have tried so hard in my Christian walk and as a parent not to imitate all the rage, pain, sarcasm, guilt and insecurity I grew up with and around. My kids would attest to the fact that life at home now is filled with so much more love and peace and understanding than our home ever was with two parents. But events from the past still haunt me, and when I see rage or guilt or sarcasm flung upon my children, it hurts me deeply.

Yesterday was supposed to be a great day, a celebration. And it was wonderful, until the very end when I stood up for my beliefs, my boundaries and my youngest daughter… and because of that (and one foul word I used to describe the person who hurt her), those relationships are destroyed forever and my closest support system is gone. At this point, even if the others would like reconciliation, I do not. I was back to being a kid again, hearing how I ruined the entire day, it was my fault everyone was upset, and that I acted childish.

It was one thing to watch tears come from my little girl’s face, to try to comfort her and explain to her why she was treated the way she was. It was another thing entirely to be blamed for walking off and not wanting to put up with the abuse any longer. I had made it clear at least five times prior that I wanted this person to stop teasing my child, and when he did not, I grabbed our things and said we were leaving.

And I would have, if I had remembered in the heat of the moment that I didn’t bring my own car. So, I took my little one to the bathroom and then to the outdoor chapel, my favorite spot in all of Merlo Park. It’s no secret I wanted to get married there. But apparently nobody else remembered, as Sophia and I ventured to the park exit to find we were left behind. I guess some people think I am stupid enough to put my child in danger by hitchhiking home with a stranger. Well, regardless, without a cell phone we waited an hour and a half before walking down Skyway from Stirling City, making it to the Post Office before our ride came back for us.

Then the blame and hatred began, and I sat in disbelief knowing that this person who abused me, who was abusing my daughter, was not being held accountable for any wrong. I called him an unfavorable name, for which I am sorry, but I do not believe my actions deserved dissolution of a relationship and support system, or the punishment I received by taking those things away from me and my kids.

I am not mad. I am hurt. I am a little scared now to be without family, to be without a car, to be without the support of loved ones I’ve relied on for so long. I am not regretful though. My girls do not need to grow up around words of hate, words of spite, words of anything but love. After the gathering at the park, Andie had to sit and listen to this person speak more words of unkindness about me, calling me “stupid” among other things that included a laundry list of filthy language. Last year a similar incident happened with Sophia because she made a mess while eating her food.

The three of us don’t want to be hurt anymore. We are tired of giving love and apologies and forgiveness and getting nothing of the sort in return. Just because someone offers my family help and support doesn’t mean I will allow them to treat us like dirt. We are special, we are loved and we are worthy of respect.

I sometimes wonder if it’s safer in life to let people trample on you and treat you like crap without rocking the boat. Every time I stand up for myself, draw boundaries for myself or demand respect, I am left behind. This time it was quite literally. I guess God allows others to throw us away so that we can be His treasure. On Him we will rely… on Him alone.