Single mom shares her thoughts about life, love and loss. It's an emotional journey, but it's healing.
“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
I’m one of those disorganized Bible readers. I jump around to different books on a whim and at times pick up one of my daily devotionals for a quick read instead. I have a hard time remembering to read those every day though, but I did peek at one of my favorites tonight: “Grace for the Moment,” by Max Lucado. The above verse was this morning’s devotional and I wish I had read it before I went about my day.
On the outside, life is good. The kids are healthy, the animals are taken care of, we aren’t starving or at risk of being evicted. I have friends who care for me, family who is there for me, a job that allows me to serve people.
Why do I feel like I’m under constant attack, then?
We’ve all had those times in our lives when it seems like one thing after another is going wrong. Like an ocean wave, life pushes you under and just as you get your head above water and catch a breath, it pushes you down again. You swim and struggle and swim some more against the current, but you’re lucky to get ahead. More likely than not, you are pushed out further from shore with each wave.
I am usually pretty good at going with the flow, adapting to small changes in my environment.
I have been doing this with my job over the last couple months. However, as much as I have tried to adapt and gain perspective and keep an open mind, I have this extremely nagging feeling that I’m fighting against the current. Morale has taken a huge hit and without going into all the details here, I think the changes at the office have been too many, too drastic, too soon. The micro-management has me fearful to do my job properly and the decision to change our schedules, job duties, and how we perform those duties all have me ready to say goodbye.
BUT… I love my job. I love helping parents help their children. What I don’t love is being leashed like a child or talked to like one either.
It makes me heartsick to think of leaving my job, but the fact is I can financially survive without it. I can take better care of my kids without it. I can spend more time at home without it. I can set my own schedule and be sick or take vacation when I need to. I would save 8 hours of travel time a week and more than a hundred dollars in gas a month.
But what about the parents? The children? The satisfaction I get from helping them and helping myself in the process?
I’m sure there must be a way I can continue to serve the special education population, but I don’t know how. I don’t know if it’s what I’m meant to continue doing, though this was my goal when I went back to school. Maybe it was just for a season, though.
I need the Lord’s help. I need wisdom. I need direction.
Will I be ignoring my calling to serve this population if I leave this job, or will my true calling be opened instead? I feel like I was sent to do this, but maybe our calling shifts and changes as we grow and our life circumstances change. I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I know what I want to do (give my notice and go back to freelancing full-time), but is it the right thing to do?
Only the Lord knows, and he will help me.
I lied.
We all have, at some point or another. To protect others, we use white lies and half-truths and call them harmless. All the while we reason… what they don’t know won’t hurt them.
We lie to ourselves also; we fail to face the truth and hide behind assumptions in order to be safe. This can be equally, if not more, dangerous than lying to someone’s face.
It doesn’t matter what kind of lies we tell — none of them are ever appropriate nor acceptable to God. Lying and deception are sins and while we’re all sinners, I cannot stand deceivers and others who thrive off hurting people this way.
So then you might see that for someone such as myself — one who has always been proud of her brutal honesty — realizing a recent habit of lies came as a harsh and painful truth.
I lied both to myself and to another.
The intention was to protect myself, but I ended up hurting myself instead. I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but at the first hint of pain, I closed up and replaced love with lies.
It’s so easy to tell yourself it doesn’t hurt… that it’s okay… that you’ll be alright… that you’re over it. It’s easy at first to tell someone you don’t care when you do. It’s easy to put up a wall and wait for someone to jump over it. What’s easy is not what’s best, however.
If you say no when you mean yes, and never when you want to say now, you grow further and further from the opportunity to know the truth. If you wait for certainty before deeply sharing your heart, you slowly lose the chance to share it at all. And if you shut people out of your life when all you want to do is love on them, you’re not only lying to yourself but cheating them out of an experience as well.
Too many times I’ve fallen in love and lost and I always get back up and try again. In fact, some may say I fall in love too easily, too quickly… but I know it is only because there is much to love about others. I see the good in them even if they don’t see it in themselves. Sometimes it seems like a curse and more often than not I trust people when I shouldn’t.
I am tired of lying.
I am tired of pretending I’m okay with being friends. I am tired of acting like it doesn’t bother me when other girls catch your eye or when I’m not the one you’re thinking of or spending time with. I am tired of convincing myself it will be better this way.
Pushing people away helps me avoid being vulnerable and getting hurt, but I must stop assuming it’s automatically going to happen and I must stop finding ways to sabotage my own efforts.
I’m not going to lie in this moment. My heart is hurting. It has been. Not because of his actions but my own.
He may not have wanted anything more than friendship, but did I even give him the chance to make that decision? I shut him out before the time even came and even with a second chance at friendship, I still push him away. I’m too scared to let him in, to feel unrequited love grow, to lose that love again.
But as long as I hold love at arm’s length, I will never get to embrace it. I will never let anyone in. I will always be alone.
I don’t want that.
So I must remember what love is, put it into practice, and then maybe one day it will endure…
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
As I’ve aged, I’ve learned to talk less and listen more.
In person at least.
Anyone who knows me knows that you put me in front of a keyboard and I’ll never shut up. But unless someone shows interest in learning more about me by asking me questions, I don’t always volunteer information.
There are two reasons for this:
1. I am not skilled at communicating verbally, and
2. I’d rather think, and listen.
Deep in a thought… my blog name has purpose.
I’ve had some wonderful conversations with some great people, don’t get me wrong. The best are the kind with an equal amount of give and take. Offer information, ask for information. Both people have to be interested in what the other has to say… even the slightest hint of otherwise dooms the conversation.
If you want to get to know me, take the time to get to know me.
Don’t ask one question and then dominate the rest of the conversation. I’ll listen, but you won’t learn.
You won’t learn a thing about me.
So here it is.
I’m just a girl who likes a boy. I didn’t need to know his life story before I knew I admired his heart.
But I’m also a girl with a history of men so anxious to leave me that one of them even blew his brains out. Though nothing compares to that loss, going through deception, lies, and betrayal doesn’t get easier.
I don’t believe in sharing certain moments with more than one person at a time – married or not.
I’m just a girl who now defines herself by what she can give… to her kids, her job, her friends and family.
But what I don’t give… is myself.
To someone who can’t appreciate the gift being offered and be happy to enjoy it without wondering what more is out there, what greater treasure may be found in the world of women.
Life’s too short.
I’ll wait for the one ready to give his heart to just one girl.
I’m stubborn. I admit it.
If you asked my friends, they’d probably say I’m the most easy-going and down-to-earth person they know. Yet, when I get an idea into my head, there’s almost no changing my mind. My belief system and opinions about certain things are something I hold onto tightly.
For instance, I believe that my ex-husband will never stop being a pathological liar. Almost nothing would convince me otherwise — even knowing the power of God to change us from the inside-out, no matter our past or present.
Now, this post isn’t about my ex and what he did or didn’t do. It’s about my own personal shortcomings related to this stubbornness.
Over the last few months, I’ve come to realize that once I’ve made up my mind about something — that’s it. There’s no turning back. But the last few days have shown me how incredibly unfair this is to the people in my life.
In particular, I have been dwelling on my inability to fully forgive someone for a past mistake — even though I played an equal part in it.
When someone apologizes for hurting you, how do you react?
I realized that I have accepted an apology but have not moved on. I’m still holding the past against this person and without reason.
People can and do change.
When God changes us, He does it from the inside-out, which means our outward actions may not quite align with the direction our heart is headed in. On the outside, it’s impossible to know where someone stands with God and that’s not our business to know anyway.
So why do I assume then that people can’t change? They could be changing before my very eyes and I may not even know it!
Nobody wants to open themselves up to hurt. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But I know God would want me to offer unlimited forgiveness… as well as grace.
I cannot be unwilling to give people a second chance just because of my own fears. If everyone treated forgiveness that way, would any of us ever really be forgiven? I have needed this grace so many times myself and I’m thankful that others gave me that second chance.
So I will do it.
I will set aside stubbornness and allow myself to be vulnerable by believing that change is not only possible, but inevitable.
I will fully forgive my friend, moving on without keeping a record of wrongs.
And I will seek forgiveness myself, for failing to believe in him, his progress, and his path to change. Just because I don’t see it with my eyes, doesn’t mean God can’t see it in his heart.
I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?
“The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved.”
I came across this musical lyric not more than 10 minutes ago while listening to Pandora, and it struck a nerve. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be lovable, what it takes to be lovable, and what kind of walls get put up that keep someone from receiving the love they truly deserve.
I recently watched the new movie release, Beastly, which is a modern retelling of the classic Beauty and the Beast. The concept is the same… man loves beauty, is cursed and turned into a beast, at which point he must get someone to fall in love with him before times runs out or he’ll stay that way forever. It’s a well-known fairytale — one that I have to admit is my favorite — and for good reason.
My heart has always resonated with Beast, in his ugliness. His plight is one people of this world face everyday — how to be lovable when all you feel is hatred for yourself on the inside and out. How do you come to acceptance of the hand you’ve been dealt? Or learn to appreciate what you can offer instead of what you wish you could?
I know there are many people out there right now struggling, wanting to find a reason to be loved. To you, I have something to say.
You’re not alone.
You are beautiful. Inside and out.
You matter. To me. To your friends, family, coworkers. To humanity.
Your life makes a difference. Find that difference. Embrace it. Love it.
This is how love will find you.
Whether your curse is a wall you’ve put up, a job you’re too busy doing, a lack of self confidence in your appearance, or the disapproval of others in any area of your life — know that there is love in this world waiting for you. A curse only holds power if you believe in it, so instead believe you are lovable and prove it to yourself.
I challenge you, like Beast, to take a leap of faith this week. Seek out a source of happiness and explore it. Find that reason to be loved and then share it with others just as I am with you.
“Love wasn’t put in your heart to stay. Love isn’t love until you give it away.”
