Finding my Calling

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13

I’m one of those disorganized Bible readers. I jump around to different books on a whim and at times pick up one of my daily devotionals for a quick read instead. I have a hard time remembering to read those every day though, but I did peek at one of my favorites tonight: “Grace for the Moment,” by Max Lucado. The above verse was this morning’s devotional and I wish I had read it before I went about my day.

On the outside, life is good. The kids are healthy, the animals are taken care of, we aren’t starving or at risk of being evicted. I have friends who care for me, family who is there for me, a job that allows me to serve people.

Why do I feel like I’m under constant attack, then?

We’ve all had those times in our lives when it seems like one thing after another is going wrong. Like an ocean wave, life pushes you under and just as you get your head above water and catch a breath, it pushes you down again. You swim and struggle and swim some more against the current, but you’re lucky to get ahead. More likely than not, you are pushed out further from shore with each wave.

I am usually pretty good at going with the flow, adapting to small changes in my environment.

I have been doing this with my job over the last couple months. However, as much as I have tried to adapt and gain perspective and keep an open mind, I have this extremely nagging feeling that I’m fighting against the current. Morale has taken a huge hit and without going into all the details here, I think the changes at the office have been too many, too drastic, too soon. The micro-management has me fearful to do my job properly and the decision to change our schedules, job duties, and how we perform those duties all have me ready to say goodbye.

BUT… I love my job. I love helping parents help their children. What I don’t love is being leashed like a child or talked to like one either.

It makes me heartsick to think of leaving my job, but the fact is I can financially survive without it. I can take better care of my kids without it. I can spend more time at home without it. I can set my own schedule and be sick or take vacation when I need to. I would save 8 hours of travel time a week and more than a hundred dollars in gas a month.

But what about the parents? The children? The satisfaction I get from helping them and helping myself in the process?

I’m sure there must be a way I can continue to serve the special education population, but I don’t know how. I don’t know if it’s what I’m meant to continue doing, though this was my goal when I went back to school. Maybe it was just for a season, though.

I need the Lord’s help. I need wisdom. I need direction.

Will I be ignoring my calling to serve this population if I leave this job, or will my true calling be opened instead? I feel like I was sent to do this, but maybe our calling shifts and changes as we grow and our life circumstances change. I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I know what I want to do (give my notice and go back to freelancing full-time), but is it the right thing to do?

Only the Lord knows, and he will help me.