Single mom shares her thoughts about life, love and loss. It's an emotional journey, but it's healing.
Why is it so amazingly easy to say no to something I want and yes to something I don’t? Those to whom I’ve said no would never understand and it would take a lifetime of explaining to even get close. Truthfully, I wouldn’t even know where to start.
I know my situation is a product of my own decisions, as there have been opportunities turned down and people turned away. And still, even though I’m not entirely happy with where I’m at, I continue to turn down the things which might bring me joy.
In matters of the heart, I claim to want love and yet give off a vibe that makes me the most unapproachable single mom alive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing it on purpose and I’m not playing games. I do want romance and chemistry and passion… but I don’t believe you should have to work for it. The greatest loves just happen. You have no say over it because the connection is there before either of you even know it. There is no work involved no matter how much self-sacrifice takes place; pure joy covers the effort.
Of all the times I’ve said “I love you” to a man, only once have I experienced such a connection. Our friendship was based on trust and understanding and acceptance right from the start because there was no other option. It just happened, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. No sooner did God bring him into my life did He take him away… perhaps a lesson to learn about what true love should be. Not something predictable by physical proximity, nor each other’s age, upbringing, or vices. But rather it’s a pillar of strength and a beacon of light that shines in the dark and points to the irreplaceable love of the Father. In good times and bad, the bond of friendship never ceases although one can pretend it does. Long enough to walk away can one fool themselves and forever be sorry.
He is gone now and though I fought hard to forget for quite some time, his death has made it harder to do so. Grief is a funny thing; it highlights what is missing in our lives and makes us believe that one shot is all we get. We believe nothing could ever be so good; that we’ve used up all the luck we had.
Say it isn’t so.
No, I’m not playing hard to get. I am hard to get. Love is not a game I want to play, a chance I want to take. I want to wake up in it, unexpectedly, without searching or trying or wondering. Because the real thing, it just happens. It’s there; before you’ve even had the chance to give your heart permission, it’s gone.
It happens. It did happen. It will again. God is so good I have to believe that.
Next time there will be no pretending. No walking away, afraid to fight the norm.
Until then, I may seem lonely and talk about love… I may wish for, hope for love. But I have my blinders on and will continue to say no… because I have realized that if I need to answer, it’s already too late. It’s not real.
“No, I’m not playing hard to get. I am hard to get.” Yes! This! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been accused of playing hard to get when I genuinely was either not ready to commit, or simply didn’t want to. I’ve always been extremely open about my feelings in those situations, but so many people are so deeply entrenched in the dating game that they simply can not grasp the concept of someone actually mindfully choosing whether or not they want to be deeply involved with another person.
I’m so glad someone understands! It has taken me a long time to be able to just walk away and say no and mean it, but the short-lived relationship earlier this year showed me how easy it is… and how important it is as well. Why…. why continue getting to know someone when you already know it would never work out?? Seems like a waste of everyone’s time to me. I know what I want and when I find it I will know. Until then, I just pray.
Stumbled on you page today, and wanted to say I admire your virtue, strength and the way you express your feeling into words, wow! Keep it up, you are talented & inspires a single mom, like me, here in Washington, DC. I’ve been going through the same process myself…it’s a journey that I hope will lead us to our bigger & bettter…what every that may be in His Plan.
Hi Alicia, Thank you very much for your comment! I have had some people tell me that I admit or share too much publicly, so it is always nice when I hear from people who enjoy reading what I have to say or who benefit from it. I’m sorry to hear you are going through some of the same stuff, though. I know God will continue to heal you and bring good things into your life like He has done for me.
God Bless!