Single mom shares her thoughts about life, love and loss. It's an emotional journey, but it's healing.
I’m posting this because I love it and want to give Future of Forestry some credit for making beautiful music that shares the love of Jesus while focusing on creating sounds that touch deep into your soul. Heard best with good earphones/buds….
This chest is full of memories
Of gold and silver tears
I’ll give you more to own than
All of this
And I’ll give you more than years
For you were once a child of
Innocence
And I see you just the same
Your burdens couldn’t win or
Lose a thing
Oh, I’d tell you once
Again
But you’re always on
The run
Slow your breath down
Just take it slow
Find your heart now, oh
You can trust and love again
Slow your breath down, just take it slow
Find your smile now, oh
You can trust and love again
If you leave I’ll still be close to you
When all your fears rain down
I’ll take you back a thousand times again
I’ll take you as my own
I would sing you songs of innocence
‘Til the light of morning comes
‘Til the rays of gold and honey
Cover you
In the sweetness of the dawn
But you’re always on the run
You’re not alone
You’re now a part of me
You feel the cure
I’ll feel the toil it brought you
far from here
close to there
that’s where i’d like to be
having you
close to me
that’s all i’d ever need
we took a chance
broke some rules
and maybe found our destinies
someone who’ll care
someone to be there
in our hearts, not physically
because distance takes
too much space
and so do memories
we can’t seem
to give those up
even for a glimpse to see
what could become
of these two hearts
if thrown together happily
but no matter what
circumstances bring
knowing you was meant to be
Three things will last forever–faith, hope, and love–and the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor. 13:13
It’s easy to lose faith in people. Not one of us is perfect and all of us are sinners. We do and say things we regret, and others hurt us by doing the same. Apologies given or not, those wounds don’t always heal and with each cut we begin to devalue our loved ones more and more. I’ve personally had a lot of opportunity to give grace lately, but deep down I’m starting to wonder what ever happened to a thing called reliability. Responsibility. Courtesy. Self-control. Consideration.
I’ll be the first person to admit that I’ve said and done things that have hurt others, but I’d like to think all of it was unintentional. I do have a conscience and the thought of someone being in pain because of me is hard to swallow. I’ve offered apologies for things I’ve never done just to ease the hurt of the people I care about, and I’d do it again if needed.
But what I really want to talk about here is the type of behavior that is reckless, intentional, damaging — done without a conscious regard for the feelings of others or the consequences of their actions. Maybe I misread or misunderstand people, but lately I’ve noticed that so many of us have just begun to stop caring. I think technology has made it worse. Hide behind a computer screen and you can rip a person to shreds without regard for their feelings because you can’t see the hurt on their face or the tears in their eyes. Hide behind a cell phone and you can tell a straight-faced lie because a text is a text.
Unfortunately, I’m one of the few people who can sense those lies, who picks up on the selfish disregard for others. Most of the time I’m good about letting it slide like water off a duck’s back, but lately it really has been bothering me. Partly because I know I deserve the respect and courtesy and consideration from others, but also because I see humanity failing one another. We wonder why there is a great divide in the country and then we turn around and act two-faced to people we love the most. Forget change in politics, what we need is a change within ourselves.
The Bible tells us that faith will remain forever… and out of faith springs hope and out of hope, love. I’ve been trying to offer grace and mercy when others let me down, but maybe I should be proclaiming my faith in them instead. We should not have faith just in our God, but in each other. Faith that people can change, can turn from evil things, cease their hurtful actions, feel conviction over their thoughtless words. This will not just create peace within society, but also within our own homes.
Put this faith in your spouse (or your kids!) when you feel you have been let down. Lean on the hope that the good always outweighs the bad and forget not that every negative moment is such a small part of an overall loving relationship and in the end means nothing. When you begin acting from the place that faith and hope reside, you will find that you act out of love. You will create love, emanate love, spread love. The greatest of all things is love and God’s word tells us exactly how to find it. Once you do, those little nuances about others that make you want to lose faith in them… they melt away as grace appears and hope blooms. Love. It’s really the answer to everything.
Begin having faith, begin hoping, begin loving.
(Although I deleted my first blog, Crazy Mom’s Journal, quite a few years ago, I found some old posts from it on my Facebook “notes” section. One thing I came across was some of my poetry. My poetry journal is in storage right now, so this was a happy find. Since I’ve had a lack of things to write about on this blog lately, I have decided to share some of the poems with you. Enjoy.)
what i find
in the corner
i watch you
intrigued
i notice you look over
in your eyes
i see light
shining
i feel
i know you
kind, considerate
oh so caring
though really
i do not know
i sense it
creative
an understanding friend
compassionate lover
tell me
are you
what i find you
to be
Being a single parent is hard.
Truly an understatement if you have any experience with being one yourself.
Most people don’t understand, but there are different part of my girls’ lives that require SO much extra attention that every so often I fall apart, emotionally drained and frustratingly spread thin. With one daughter on the verge of a puberty-induced mental breakdown and another with more battery life than the Energizer bunny, my mind never gets a chance to relax and focus on the tasks I need to get done.
Right now I’ve got taxes, business letters, return emails, phone calls to insurance companies, and other financial documents taking a back seat to necessary clothes shopping, doctor appointments, haircuts, and various school activities. Then the day comes that I can no longer procrastinate or keep the mountain of “to do” balanced well-enough to avoid falling down all around me. Then one kid begins to cry because her math homework is hard (although she is “acing” math) and the other asks a question five times in a row (despite getting an answer the first time) and well… that’s when I lose it.
Forget medicating the children. I need a drink!
How do you avoid burnout when you have to be 2 of everything that it takes to run a household and raise responsible, upstanding, high achieving children?
Every second of every day I need to be available to be a shoulder to cry on as well as a maid, cook, fashion designer, hair stylist, mediator, technical support, delivery driver, nurse, business manager, teacher, dishwasher, accountant, record keeper, personal organizer, talent agent, comedian, and activity director. That’s on top of the mommy things we do that would fall under the “be a friend to our children” category and, for me at least, in addition to a Monday through Thursday 12-hour day that begins by getting three people up and dressed and to school/work on time and ends walking through the door to a messy home and arguing, hungry kids.
Nobody said this was gonna be easy. Good thing, or I’d have to call them a liar, liar, plants for hire. There’s one for all you parents of Spongebob fans.
I try not to let them see me cry; it’s not their fault after all. But there’s got to be an easier way to make this work. My anxiety gets the best of me sometimes and far too often I can think of nothing more lovely than crawling under my blankets behind a locked door. The best I get is 5 minutes in the bathroom; just enough time to bawl into a towel and clean up my face before returning to the war zone with a fake smile on my face.
Can parenting ever be perfected?
Of course not, but yet I feel as if I’m always failing, and every time I hear one of my children cry, complain, or express concern, I wonder where I’m going wrong. Parenting is just a small facet of who I am and what I am facing in this lifetime. Yet, it really has consumed all of me. I guess that’s how ministry works. But I wonder, “Can this really be God’s plan for me?” I know deep down, it is. He didn’t want to see me suffer, see me cheated on and abandoned. He wanted better for me than that, and this way I will have that. I do have that. My kids have that, too.
Despite the trials and the uphill battle single parenting has brought, the kids and I are far happier than we were in a loveless marriage. And we’ll be a million times happier when a God-fearing man comes into our lives to play a part in it all. Sick and twisted he’ll have to be to want to take on the work that would be required to be a part of this family, but maybe someday, someone will show up ready and willing, filled with as much God-given strength as I have been given. Maybe one day, I can honestly say that God’s plans don’t suck forever.
