Single mom shares her thoughts about life, love and loss. It's an emotional journey, but it's healing.
Being a single parent is hard.
Truly an understatement if you have any experience with being one yourself.
Most people don’t understand, but there are different part of my girls’ lives that require SO much extra attention that every so often I fall apart, emotionally drained and frustratingly spread thin. With one daughter on the verge of a puberty-induced mental breakdown and another with more battery life than the Energizer bunny, my mind never gets a chance to relax and focus on the tasks I need to get done.
Right now I’ve got taxes, business letters, return emails, phone calls to insurance companies, and other financial documents taking a back seat to necessary clothes shopping, doctor appointments, haircuts, and various school activities. Then the day comes that I can no longer procrastinate or keep the mountain of “to do” balanced well-enough to avoid falling down all around me. Then one kid begins to cry because her math homework is hard (although she is “acing” math) and the other asks a question five times in a row (despite getting an answer the first time) and well… that’s when I lose it.
Forget medicating the children. I need a drink!
How do you avoid burnout when you have to be 2 of everything that it takes to run a household and raise responsible, upstanding, high achieving children?
Every second of every day I need to be available to be a shoulder to cry on as well as a maid, cook, fashion designer, hair stylist, mediator, technical support, delivery driver, nurse, business manager, teacher, dishwasher, accountant, record keeper, personal organizer, talent agent, comedian, and activity director. That’s on top of the mommy things we do that would fall under the “be a friend to our children” category and, for me at least, in addition to a Monday through Thursday 12-hour day that begins by getting three people up and dressed and to school/work on time and ends walking through the door to a messy home and arguing, hungry kids.
Nobody said this was gonna be easy. Good thing, or I’d have to call them a liar, liar, plants for hire. There’s one for all you parents of Spongebob fans.
I try not to let them see me cry; it’s not their fault after all. But there’s got to be an easier way to make this work. My anxiety gets the best of me sometimes and far too often I can think of nothing more lovely than crawling under my blankets behind a locked door. The best I get is 5 minutes in the bathroom; just enough time to bawl into a towel and clean up my face before returning to the war zone with a fake smile on my face.
Can parenting ever be perfected?
Of course not, but yet I feel as if I’m always failing, and every time I hear one of my children cry, complain, or express concern, I wonder where I’m going wrong. Parenting is just a small facet of who I am and what I am facing in this lifetime. Yet, it really has consumed all of me. I guess that’s how ministry works. But I wonder, “Can this really be God’s plan for me?” I know deep down, it is. He didn’t want to see me suffer, see me cheated on and abandoned. He wanted better for me than that, and this way I will have that. I do have that. My kids have that, too.
Despite the trials and the uphill battle single parenting has brought, the kids and I are far happier than we were in a loveless marriage. And we’ll be a million times happier when a God-fearing man comes into our lives to play a part in it all. Sick and twisted he’ll have to be to want to take on the work that would be required to be a part of this family, but maybe someday, someone will show up ready and willing, filled with as much God-given strength as I have been given. Maybe one day, I can honestly say that God’s plans don’t suck forever.
I’ve lost the desire to write.
Creatively, mind you. Give me a 550-word assignment on “basement refinishing” optimized with a keyword density of 1.5% and I’ll have it for you in 20 minutes. Ask me to write a moving blog post about the holiday season however, and you’ll be waiting a while. This has nothing to do with whether I had a fulfilling Christmas or not — it was a nice albeit quiet one — but it’s a matter of heart.
I have to admit I’ve been in a funk lately, but that has never had a bearing on my writing before. In fact, I write best when emotionally charged, no matter which direction. Depression? A writer’s best friend.
No, this is something different. It’s an indifference almost. I imagine it’s something like what people feel when in shock. Or grief. Going through the motions of life, taking some time to feel emotions here and there, but mostly shutting out all around you in hopes that the triggers that bring on the avalanche of feelings remain hidden.
Right here, right now — I want to write, but the words won’t come…
“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
I’m one of those disorganized Bible readers. I jump around to different books on a whim and at times pick up one of my daily devotionals for a quick read instead. I have a hard time remembering to read those every day though, but I did peek at one of my favorites tonight: “Grace for the Moment,” by Max Lucado. The above verse was this morning’s devotional and I wish I had read it before I went about my day.
On the outside, life is good. The kids are healthy, the animals are taken care of, we aren’t starving or at risk of being evicted. I have friends who care for me, family who is there for me, a job that allows me to serve people.
Why do I feel like I’m under constant attack, then?
We’ve all had those times in our lives when it seems like one thing after another is going wrong. Like an ocean wave, life pushes you under and just as you get your head above water and catch a breath, it pushes you down again. You swim and struggle and swim some more against the current, but you’re lucky to get ahead. More likely than not, you are pushed out further from shore with each wave.
I am usually pretty good at going with the flow, adapting to small changes in my environment.
I have been doing this with my job over the last couple months. However, as much as I have tried to adapt and gain perspective and keep an open mind, I have this extremely nagging feeling that I’m fighting against the current. Morale has taken a huge hit and without going into all the details here, I think the changes at the office have been too many, too drastic, too soon. The micro-management has me fearful to do my job properly and the decision to change our schedules, job duties, and how we perform those duties all have me ready to say goodbye.
BUT… I love my job. I love helping parents help their children. What I don’t love is being leashed like a child or talked to like one either.
It makes me heartsick to think of leaving my job, but the fact is I can financially survive without it. I can take better care of my kids without it. I can spend more time at home without it. I can set my own schedule and be sick or take vacation when I need to. I would save 8 hours of travel time a week and more than a hundred dollars in gas a month.
But what about the parents? The children? The satisfaction I get from helping them and helping myself in the process?
I’m sure there must be a way I can continue to serve the special education population, but I don’t know how. I don’t know if it’s what I’m meant to continue doing, though this was my goal when I went back to school. Maybe it was just for a season, though.
I need the Lord’s help. I need wisdom. I need direction.
Will I be ignoring my calling to serve this population if I leave this job, or will my true calling be opened instead? I feel like I was sent to do this, but maybe our calling shifts and changes as we grow and our life circumstances change. I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I know what I want to do (give my notice and go back to freelancing full-time), but is it the right thing to do?
Only the Lord knows, and he will help me.
I’m stubborn. I admit it.
If you asked my friends, they’d probably say I’m the most easy-going and down-to-earth person they know. Yet, when I get an idea into my head, there’s almost no changing my mind. My belief system and opinions about certain things are something I hold onto tightly.
For instance, I believe that my ex-husband will never stop being a pathological liar. Almost nothing would convince me otherwise — even knowing the power of God to change us from the inside-out, no matter our past or present.
Now, this post isn’t about my ex and what he did or didn’t do. It’s about my own personal shortcomings related to this stubbornness.
Over the last few months, I’ve come to realize that once I’ve made up my mind about something — that’s it. There’s no turning back. But the last few days have shown me how incredibly unfair this is to the people in my life.
In particular, I have been dwelling on my inability to fully forgive someone for a past mistake — even though I played an equal part in it.
When someone apologizes for hurting you, how do you react?
I realized that I have accepted an apology but have not moved on. I’m still holding the past against this person and without reason.
People can and do change.
When God changes us, He does it from the inside-out, which means our outward actions may not quite align with the direction our heart is headed in. On the outside, it’s impossible to know where someone stands with God and that’s not our business to know anyway.
So why do I assume then that people can’t change? They could be changing before my very eyes and I may not even know it!
Nobody wants to open themselves up to hurt. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But I know God would want me to offer unlimited forgiveness… as well as grace.
I cannot be unwilling to give people a second chance just because of my own fears. If everyone treated forgiveness that way, would any of us ever really be forgiven? I have needed this grace so many times myself and I’m thankful that others gave me that second chance.
So I will do it.
I will set aside stubbornness and allow myself to be vulnerable by believing that change is not only possible, but inevitable.
I will fully forgive my friend, moving on without keeping a record of wrongs.
And I will seek forgiveness myself, for failing to believe in him, his progress, and his path to change. Just because I don’t see it with my eyes, doesn’t mean God can’t see it in his heart.
I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?
It’s been one of those weeks when I feel way more emotional than usual. It doesn’t happen much these days; I’m more likely to be anxious and wound-up than tearful and quiet, but the sun seems to be gone from more than just the skies this week.
I have a daily journal and used to write in it faithfully each night before bed, but since the Big D, I have had a hard time making that a priority in my busy schedule. I have a hard enough time writing regularly on this blog. But I know me, and I know when I stop writing, I get cranky.
So… let’s do a little “how does that make you feel” and see if it helps.
School – I’m so frustrated with college right now. I’m feeling a lot of pressure to continue to a BA degree, but I’m so done. Tuition keeps going up, I’m in over my head in student loans and I can’t focus on my family the way I need to when school is such a high priority. I just registered for Fall classes today, and I’ll be taking the two classes needed for the AA and I’m taking a break… those other 95 units will have to come in handy when I win the lottery and feel like applying to Chico State.
My Kids – You know me as an honest person, so I just have to say I have had a lot of trouble with one of my girls lately. So. Much. Stress! I finally broke down and made an appointment with a psychiatrist because if I didn’t, I was going to end up seeing one eventually when they locked me in the looney bin. Her follow up is Thursday and hopefully I’ll have a better idea of what’s going on with her so we can deal with it.
My Job – What can I say? I love my job. Sure, it has some stressful moments, but I have great co-workers and a wonderful boss who sees my abilities and passions and is more than happy to tailor my position to uniquely help those in the community who suffer from things I am educated about. If it were a full-time position with benefits, I’d be the happiest person in the world, but for now I’m considering it the best experience a person can get in the world of special needs and disability advocacy.
That leaves the one thing I’m most excited and scared about at the same time – my new love. Oh yes, I don’t doubt that I am in love, fallen hard, but I find myself having a hard time just letting it be. Does that make sense?
It’s been a LONG time since I opened my heart to someone this way and something isn’t right. I don’t feel 100% vulnerable. I’m completely honest with him… I’m myself around him, as far as I know. When he’s over, I discipline my kids the way I normally would, I eat what I normally would, I tell him how I feel about things that are important to me, etc. But I still feel on-guard, which is weird because I’m usually the type that jumps right in and gets too emotionally attached too fast.
I wonder if this means I’m being more mature about all this… treating it like real love and not a fling or lust. On the other hand, I feel guilty… like I’m being distrustful and assuming he will leave if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or look the wrong way in any given moment. It’s not fair to him to make these assumptions or carry these worries based on past events with men who (obviously) didn’t know a thing about real commitment. When you make that decision to be with someone, you decide to accept all of them no matter what.
We’ve already talked about that and both seem to be on the same page as far as what commitment means, but I’m still scared. A part of me thinks that’s a sign of how serious this is or could get. I don’t remember EVER being scared with any men I’ve ever made a commitment to. Never. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.
I guess it comes down trusting that other person knows how to handle disappointment, because nobody is perfect and everyone disappoints their partner at some point or another. I’ve lived through plenty of disappointment in my life and know how to handle it well… but does he? Am I selling myself short or not putting enough faith in him? Probably both.
But I love him. I really do.
I just hope he knows how much.
