Creatively, mind you. Give me a 550-word assignment on “basement refinishing” optimized with a keyword density of 1.5% and I’ll have it for you in 20 minutes. Ask me to write a moving blog post about the holiday season however, and you’ll be waiting a while. This has nothing to do with whether I had a fulfilling Christmas or not — it was a nice albeit quiet one — but it’s a matter of heart.

I have to admit I’ve been in a funk lately, but that has never had a bearing on my writing before. In fact, I write best when emotionally charged, no matter which direction. Depression? A writer’s best friend.

No, this is something different. It’s an indifference almost. I imagine it’s something like what people feel when in shock. Or grief. Going through the motions of life, taking some time to feel emotions here and there, but mostly shutting out all around you in hopes that the triggers that bring on the avalanche of feelings remain hidden.

Right here, right now — I want to write, but the words won’t come…

I’m one of those disorganized Bible readers. I jump around to different books on a whim and at times pick up one of my daily devotionals for a quick read instead. I have a hard time remembering to read those every day though, but I did peek at one of my favorites tonight: “Grace for the Moment,” by Max Lucado. The above verse was this morning’s devotional and I wish I had read it before I went about my day.

On the outside, life is good. The kids are healthy, the animals are taken care of, we aren’t starving or at risk of being evicted. I have friends who care for me, family who is there for me, a job that allows me to serve people.

Why do I feel like I’m under constant attack, then?

We’ve all had those times in our lives when it seems like one thing after another is going wrong. Like an ocean wave, life pushes you under and just as you get your head above water and catch a breath, it pushes you down again. You swim and struggle and swim some more against the current, but you’re lucky to get ahead. More likely than not, you are pushed out further from shore with each wave.

I am usually pretty good at going with the flow, adapting to small changes in my environment.

I have been doing this with my job over the last couple months. However, as much as I have tried to adapt and gain perspective and keep an open mind, I have this extremely nagging feeling that I’m fighting against the current. Morale has taken a huge hit and without going into all the details here, I think the changes at the office have been too many, too drastic, too soon. The micro-management has me fearful to do my job properly and the decision to change our schedules, job duties, and how we perform those duties all have me ready to say goodbye.

BUT… I love my job. I love helping parents help their children. What I don’t love is being leashed like a child or talked to like one either.

It makes me heartsick to think of leaving my job, but the fact is I can financially survive without it. I can take better care of my kids without it. I can spend more time at home without it. I can set my own schedule and be sick or take vacation when I need to. I would save 8 hours of travel time a week and more than a hundred dollars in gas a month.

But what about the parents? The children? The satisfaction I get from helping them and helping myself in the process?

I’m sure there must be a way I can continue to serve the special education population, but I don’t know how. I don’t know if it’s what I’m meant to continue doing, though this was my goal when I went back to school. Maybe it was just for a season, though.

I need the Lord’s help. I need wisdom. I need direction.

Will I be ignoring my calling to serve this population if I leave this job, or will my true calling be opened instead? I feel like I was sent to do this, but maybe our calling shifts and changes as we grow and our life circumstances change. I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I know what I want to do (give my notice and go back to freelancing full-time), but is it the right thing to do?

Only the Lord knows, and he will help me.

If you asked my friends, they’d probably say I’m the most easy-going and down-to-earth person they know. Yet, when I get an idea into my head, there’s almost no changing my mind. My belief system and opinions about certain things are something I hold onto tightly.

For instance, I believe that my ex-husband will never stop being a pathological liar. Almost nothing would convince me otherwise — even knowing the power of God to change us from the inside-out, no matter our past or present.

Now, this post isn’t about my ex and what he did or didn’t do. It’s about my own personal shortcomings related to this stubbornness.

Over the last few months, I’ve come to realize that once I’ve made up my mind about something — that’s it. There’s no turning back. But the last few days have shown me how incredibly unfair this is to the people in my life.

In particular, I have been dwelling on my inability to fully forgive someone for a past mistake — even though I played an equal part in it.

When someone apologizes for hurting you, how do you react?

• Accept the apology and move on like nothing happened?
• Accept the apology but never forget what happened?
• Or, decide neither to forgive nor forget?

I realized that I have accepted an apology but have not moved on. I’m still holding the past against this person and without reason.

People can and do change.

When God changes us, He does it from the inside-out, which means our outward actions may not quite align with the direction our heart is headed in. On the outside, it’s impossible to know where someone stands with God and that’s not our business to know anyway.

So why do I assume then that people can’t change? They could be changing before my very eyes and I may not even know it!

Nobody wants to open themselves up to hurt. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But I know God would want me to offer unlimited forgiveness… as well as grace.

I cannot be unwilling to give people a second chance just because of my own fears. If everyone treated forgiveness that way, would any of us ever really be forgiven? I have needed this grace so many times myself and I’m thankful that others gave me that second chance.

So I will do it.

I will set aside stubbornness and allow myself to be vulnerable by believing that change is not only possible, but inevitable.

I will fully forgive my friend, moving on without keeping a record of wrongs.

And I will seek forgiveness myself, for failing to believe in him, his progress, and his path to change. Just because I don’t see it with my eyes, doesn’t mean God can’t see it in his heart.

I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?

I have a daily journal and used to write in it faithfully each night before bed, but since the Big D, I have had a hard time making that a priority in my busy schedule. I have a hard enough time writing regularly on this blog. But I know me, and I know when I stop writing, I get cranky.

So… let’s do a little “how does that make you feel” and see if it helps.

School – I’m so frustrated with college right now. I’m feeling a lot of pressure to continue to a BA degree, but I’m so done. Tuition keeps going up, I’m in over my head in student loans and I can’t focus on my family the way I need to when school is such a high priority. I just registered for Fall classes today, and I’ll be taking the two classes needed for the AA and I’m taking a break… those other 95 units will have to come in handy when I win the lottery and feel like applying to Chico State.

My Kids – You know me as an honest person, so I just have to say I have had a lot of trouble with one of my girls lately. So. Much. Stress! I finally broke down and made an appointment with a psychiatrist because if I didn’t, I was going to end up seeing one eventually when they locked me in the looney bin. Her follow up is Thursday and hopefully I’ll have a better idea of what’s going on with her so we can deal with it.

My Job – What can I say? I love my job. Sure, it has some stressful moments, but I have great co-workers and a wonderful boss who sees my abilities and passions and is more than happy to tailor my position to uniquely help those in the community who suffer from things I am educated about. If it were a full-time position with benefits, I’d be the happiest person in the world, but for now I’m considering it the best experience a person can get in the world of special needs and disability advocacy.

That leaves the one thing I’m most excited and scared about at the same time – my new love. Oh yes, I don’t doubt that I am in love, fallen hard, but I find myself having a hard time just letting it be. Does that make sense?

It’s been a LONG time since I opened my heart to someone this way and something isn’t right. I don’t feel 100% vulnerable. I’m completely honest with him… I’m myself around him, as far as I know. When he’s over, I discipline my kids the way I normally would, I eat what I normally would, I tell him how I feel about things that are important to me, etc. But I still feel on-guard, which is weird because I’m usually the type that jumps right in and gets too emotionally attached too fast.

I wonder if this means I’m being more mature about all this… treating it like real love and not a fling or lust. On the other hand, I feel guilty… like I’m being distrustful and assuming he will leave if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or look the wrong way in any given moment. It’s not fair to him to make these assumptions or carry these worries based on past events with men who (obviously) didn’t know a thing about real commitment. When you make that decision to be with someone, you decide to accept all of them no matter what.

We’ve already talked about that and both seem to be on the same page as far as what commitment means, but I’m still scared. A part of me thinks that’s a sign of how serious this is or could get. I don’t remember EVER being scared with any men I’ve ever made a commitment to. Never. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

I guess it comes down trusting that other person knows how to handle disappointment, because nobody is perfect and everyone disappoints their partner at some point or another. I’ve lived through plenty of disappointment in my life and know how to handle it well… but does he? Am I selling myself short or not putting enough faith in him? Probably both.

But I love him. I really do.

I just hope he knows how much.

As you start to feel your arms and legs stretch and the discomfort of being pulled alongside the rotation of the Earth, you know you’re evolving again. Change is painful and emotional growth is uncomfortable, but both are necessary and unavoidable. Changes may be in a positive direction, but expect them to release the toxins that have been stirring inside during your standstill.

The last two weeks brought some positive changes in my life:

• After 8 months without a car, I finally received the funds to buy one.
• My stressed-out loved one is seeking help and wants to reconcile.
• I was offered my dream job and am excited about the experience this will give me.

Yet I feel so empty, sad, heartsick. You would think I’d be happy, but I’m not.

I miss being in love. My life is evolving and changing, but that one thing is still missing.

Love is healing, comforting, soothing, intoxicating, uplifting. It is not just an emotion or a verb. It is a living thing. The sustenance of the earth, what makes life possible. The mountains are easier to climb, more exciting to explore and more beautiful in the morning when you’re in love. Life has a different meaning when you aren’t living it alone, when you’re joined as one with another.

God knew that. He needs love and fellowship, too. That’s why He created us, to love and worship him. Unfortunately, human love isn’t so easy to obtain or to hold onto. It’s sad that the greatest struggle in life is for one of our greatest needs.

Some people think life would be better, easier, with more money or more time. I think it needs more love.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:13

I’ve learned over the last two years that when you commit yourself to following God, evil will do whatever it can to break that bond. Look for it in your own life — the minute you commit to doing good, being good, feeling good — something always comes along to test that and destroy it.

I can’t say that Saturday night was in direct response to my promise of faith and endurance, because in looking back this has been brewing for a while. Someone I care for very deeply has been having a rough time lately, with too much responsibility to bear and a lot of burdensome stress to deal with. It’s not any one thing, but many, that she is dealing with, but it was me this stress was taken out on.

After a brief disagreement (I thought we were having a discussion, not an argument) with her, I came home and found an email that was summed up by the last four words, “good luck in life.” To be thoughtful, if that’s possible, she also said good luck with my last semester in school, used a smiley emoticon, and signed the email XXOO. I’m devastated.

I just lost one of the most important people in my life other than my own kids, instantly and unexpectedly. I was apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back and the camel came crushing down on me at the same time. It’s not fair to me, to my kids, to others who will no doubt be stuck in the middle of this situation. I’m hurting, badly. Even if the words were not meant, they were said.

I offered an apology for whatever I may have done to deserve such a letter. I forgave and I set terms for reconciliation. Praying is the only thing left to do, continuously. I’ve asked for a lot of it, and I certainly thank you if you’ve offered it.

I feel so much pain right now, but I keep remembering my prayer from Thursday night.

I will be faithful to you Lord, NO MATTER WHAT. I promise.

Sent to me by an editor at the Christian division of Random House (WaterBrook Multnomah) just after I told her my husband left me, “I Do Again” sat in a pile somewhere collecting dust for the last two years. I was almost resentful that Staci sent me the book, because when she said she had a book that might help me I never imagined it would be a book about a couple reuniting 10 years after an adulterous affair split them apart. But… Thursday night I walked by that bookcase and felt God telling me to pull it off the shelves and just read.

It was 1am and I was 111 pages into the book when I finally read what He wanted to tell me…

It wasn’t that He could save my marriage. It wasn’t that I should try to reconcile despite the lies and adultery. It was that He can make any marriage work despite what happens. He can do those things… but that wasn’t what I needed to hear.

Simply, it was that no matter what happens in our lives — whether God chooses to reconcile our relationships, take those we love away from us or keep us alone for the rest of our lives — we must love and desire Him. I prayed that night, that NO MATTER WHAT — whether single or married or childless — I would love and trust in the plan that is for me.

I couldn’t read anymore after that page, but I spent 2 hours tearfully writing in my journal about my feelings on reconciliation. The next day I told Sean I’d sign the papers but that I couldn’t do it without telling him first that I don’t think divorce was the right answer; I believe with God all things are possible, including saving a damaged relationship. I wouldn’t drag things on by contesting it, but I would be signing in disagreement. We didn’t sign any papers that day, not because we are reconciling but because it turns out they aren’t complete. But, after he left with the kids that afternoon, I felt the most at peace that I have since we separated.

I think God could restore our marriage (with a lot of work) but I am also totally confident that I have a great life ahead of me as a single mom, too. I don’t believe he will restore it, and to be honest at this point I don’t really want restoration, but this realization (that He could if He wanted to and will if He thinks it’s best) was still very healing.

Saturday I felt the most amazing calm and confident hope, ready to accept whatever life had to bring my way. Little did I know that the faith I showed in my prayers Thursday night would be tested, but you should know — if you declare your allegiance to God “no matter what” — the devil will make sure you mean just that…

I should be mad, but I’m just so, so hurt. Devastated.

That’s all I can get out right now.

Please say a prayer for me and my kids.

Please say a prayer for the salvation of our family who don’t know the love of Christ. Their misery has become our pain to bear.

Now, before you roll your eyes because you know that setting resolutions always ends the same way, let me explain. You buy the gym membership or join Weight Watchers only to make it about 3 weeks. I think statistics show that people stick with their resolutions all of 10 days or something.

I propose something new. In addition to regular goals (we all have those), what about making your resolutions all about something permanent. I’m not talking about losing weight in preparation for the summer swimsuit season… I’m talking about things that will change who you are.

I’m talking about resolving to change your character.

Don’t take this personally. If you’re reading this I probably don’t know who you are or what in your life needs changing. And if I do know you, I still don’t presume to know that you have character flaws that need to be dealt with. Unless you’re my ex-husband. Then you should most definitely read on.

For the rest of you, let’s assume for a moment (yes, I know what assuming will do!) that you are not perfect. I am willing to bet you’re not. Again, don’t look at what you see in the mirror, or what you possess or the quality of those possessions. Look inside you.

• Do you tell one too many white lies to avoid hurting others?
• Do you say one thing and do another because it’s convenient?
• Do you do everything people ask of you in order to please them?
• Or maybe you simply go through each day riddled with guilt, anxiety or fear.

Your feelings determine your actions and your continued actions (or inaction) determines your character. And why would you want good character, you ask? Simply so you can love yourself, others can love you and you can make your creator proud. Even if you aren’t a Christian, it makes sense to aim for the goal of becoming a better person. Take a look at the list of the “fruits of the spirit” as listed in the Bible, and you’ll see why:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Galatians 5:22

You can’t argue against those virtues!

So, here are my 7 resolutions for building my own character, based on my own problems.

Stand in their Shoes – I can be quick to judge sometimes, mostly because it’s human nature to come to a certain conclusion when only hearing one side of a story. I will remember there are two sides of every story and that appearances are only that — appearances.

Philippians 4:6 – This verse simply says it all: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” In other words, I am going to worry less by putting my faith in God. When things go sour I will be thankful for what I already have and ask by prayer for the things I feel are lacking. I will hand over my troubles to the one who heals.

Carry Less Guilt – I am currently working on my boundaries, which often means doing something that seems selfish to others and therefore can lead to guilt. I’m going to eliminate the guilt I feel by owning my decisions and knowing that though they may not be right for everyone, they are right for me. However, I will recognize healthy guilt and take appropriate action to mitigate the destructive feelings.

Beware the Fine Lines – It’s often hard to know where the fine lines are in many situations. Are you telling a story of how your day went or are you gossiping? Are you asking someone to help you or making them feel bad for not helping you in the past? Even with carrying less guilt as described above, where is that line between taking care of yourself and being selfish? I resolve to recognize the fine lines and be careful not to cross them.

Stop Wasting Time – This one is going to be hard for me. I’m a thinker and get lost in thought quite often. I also have some trouble with orienting myself on a new task, where it may seem I’m procrastinating when I’m actually having a hard time switching gears. Nevertheless, I am going to TRY to use my time wisely, by way of to-do lists for around the house, school and work. I’m going to learn to budget my time so I can do the things I love to do and not just the things I have to do.

Be a Light – I have received emails from friends thanking me for things I say on my blogs or on Facebook, things that helped them personally. Those moments are very, very rare. But should they be? We don’t need to receive constant assurance that we are being a light for others in the world, but I think it’s admirable (and if you’re a Christian, a requirement) to share the love of Jesus and be an example of that love through action and words. That is my goal. Sorry if you think it’s “preachy” but it’s in a spirit of love.

Giving Back – This is last on my list because I feel like I really do give a lot back already, but I know I could do more. I give back in little ways, but I realize that in giving, I do so most to those who are not closest to me. You may give to a stranger on the Angel Tree at Christmas, or someone in line at the store with only one item when you have a cart full of groceries. But do you give an unexpected hug to your parents or help a friend out when they move? I resolve to give more to my friends and family, because you’re all so special to me even if I don’t say it.

There it is. I hope this time next year I can say I’ve made some progress on this list and worked my way towards being a better person than I am today!

I welcome you to create your own character-building resolutions, and please post the link if you do!

Unfortunately, the church elders disagreed and feeling rejected, I actually left the church for about 7 or 8 months. I thought, “If God wants me to do this, I need to go where I can do it.” I loved my Calvary Chapel home and didn’t want to leave, but I felt slighted a bit. I knew the reason the church wouldn’t let me use space in their building or bulletin but I couldn’t understand how they couldn’t see the need.

Being a single mom is often like being a widow. It’s hard stuff.

Facing the roadblock, the girls and I went to the local CMA. They have classes and small groups for everything from grief to divorce, so I had a figured it was a good start. It wasn’t meant to be though. The place is larger than Calvary Chapel and the girls and I didn’t feel at home. The teaching style is different and there is more emphasis on paying tithes than on the good news. It just didn’t settle nicely, so I gave up on the idea of a single mom’s fellowship and returned to my Calvary Chapel Chico home.

It was hard at first, I admit, brushing the chip off my shoulder and moving on, but it was worth it. I love that place and I can’t imagine being anywhere else. We have been back there since late summer. Just after Thanksgiving, Pastor Bud, Pastor Justin, and some other guy (sorry some other guy!) baptized me and the girls at the same time. It was a cold and rainy night in an outdoor pool, but it was worth it!

So anyway, tonight God spoke up about those plans I threw aside.

I was having a bad afternoon, feeling lonely. First, he put things in perspective and reminded me that if I have a relationship with Jesus, I am never alone. Actually, the DJ on Air-1 said that, but it may as well came from God himself. Then an hour later on a 20-minute drive in the dark night, I was reminded of His plan. He brought up the ministry for single moms.

Ugh! I was immediately filled with questions and frustration.

How can I do it? I tried once before and I was shot down. I don’t have time for this. I’m not a strong enough leader. Where would we meet? What if nobody showed up. Yada yada yada.

He has all the answers, as always. Some of them came to me right away, others didn’t. But I was overwhelmed with a peace about it. I was also reminded that while things don’t always go smoothly, they work out just the way they should according to His plan, which is ALWAYS good. I needed to get up, dust myself off and try again.

So, this is where I’m starting. Right now.

By announcing (again) the idea to put together this fellowship, I hope to hold myself accountable and gather support from other single parents – Christian or not. In the beginning, there may be a lot of work for not a lot of return, but I really see some great potential for this. I will also need help, though I’m not entirely sure how or in what form. I already have a domain name set up from earlier this year, as I planned to take this fellowship online and as far deep into the community as possible, not just within the church and not just within the town.

If anyone wants to join me, either in fellowship or through support of any kind, please leave a comment or drop me an email at luftawrite (at) gmail (dot) com. I especially need input from single dads as to whether this would be of interest to you.

“Oh, I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself. Oh, I could choose not to move but I refuse.” ~ I Refuse by Josh Wilson (YouTube video)