Set Free

Lookout Studio, Grand Canyon (via aneclecticmind.com)

Where are you friend
why aren’t you here
and exactly when did life get so bad

you were my shining light
you showed me God is hope
and gave support when i was sad

but now that i need you near
i’m left to miss you so
’cause you’re nowhere to be found

the pain you must have felt
the days you must have planned
before you lept off solid ground

i wish you could have known
i wish you would have felt
that you weren’t alone that day

i want to hold your hand
and give you one last hug
but heaven is just too far away

do you hear me cry
or see my silent tears
can you feel the pain within me

it’s so hard to let go
i really miss you friend
but i know now, you’re truly set free.

Wall of Lies

I lied.

We all have, at some point or another. To protect others, we use white lies and half-truths and call them harmless. All the while we reason… what they don’t know won’t hurt them.

We lie to ourselves also; we fail to face the truth and hide behind assumptions in order to be safe. This can be equally, if not more, dangerous than lying to someone’s face.

It doesn’t matter what kind of lies we tell — none of them are ever appropriate nor acceptable to God. Lying and deception are sins and while we’re all sinners, I cannot stand deceivers and others who thrive off hurting people this way.

So then you might see that for someone such as myself — one who has always been proud of her brutal honesty — realizing a recent habit of lies came as a harsh and painful truth.

I lied both to myself and to another.

The intention was to protect myself, but I ended up hurting myself instead. I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but at the first hint of pain, I closed up and replaced love with lies.

It’s so easy to tell yourself it doesn’t hurt… that it’s okay… that you’ll be alright… that you’re over it. It’s easy at first to tell someone you don’t care when you do. It’s easy to put up a wall and wait for someone to jump over it. What’s easy is not what’s best, however.

If you say no when you mean yes, and never when you want to say now, you grow further and further from the opportunity to know the truth. If you wait for certainty before deeply sharing your heart, you slowly lose the chance to share it at all. And if you shut people out of your life when all you want to do is love on them, you’re not only lying to yourself but cheating them out of an experience as well.

Too many times I’ve fallen in love and lost and I always get back up and try again. In fact, some may say I fall in love too easily, too quickly… but I know it is only because there is much to love about others. I see the good in them even if they don’t see it in themselves. Sometimes it seems like a curse and more often than not I trust people when I shouldn’t.

I am tired of lying.

I am tired of pretending I’m okay with being friends. I am tired of acting like it doesn’t bother me when other girls catch your eye or when I’m not the one you’re thinking of or spending time with. I am tired of convincing myself it will be better this way.

Pushing people away helps me avoid being vulnerable and getting hurt, but I must stop assuming it’s automatically going to happen and I must stop finding ways to sabotage my own efforts.

I’m not going to lie in this moment. My heart is hurting. It has been. Not because of his actions but my own.

He may not have wanted anything more than friendship, but did I even give him the chance to make that decision? I shut him out before the time even came and even with a second chance at friendship, I still push him away. I’m too scared to let him in, to feel unrequited love grow, to lose that love again.

But as long as I hold love at arm’s length, I will never get to embrace it. I will never let anyone in. I will always be alone.

I don’t want that.

So I must remember what love is, put it into practice, and then maybe one day it will endure…

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I am Just Me

As I’ve aged, I’ve learned to talk less and listen more.

In person at least.

Anyone who knows me knows that you put me in front of a keyboard and I’ll never shut up. But unless someone shows interest in learning more about me by asking me questions, I don’t always volunteer information.

There are two reasons for this:

1.  I am not skilled at communicating verbally, and
2.  I’d rather think, and listen.

Deep in a thought… my blog name has purpose.

I’ve had some wonderful conversations with some great people, don’t get me wrong. The best are the kind with an equal amount of give and take. Offer information, ask for information. Both people have to be interested in what the other has to say… even the slightest hint of otherwise dooms the conversation.

If you want to get to know me, take the time to get to know me.

Don’t ask one question and then dominate the rest of the conversation. I’ll listen, but you won’t learn.

You won’t learn a thing about me.

So here it is.

I’m just a girl who likes a boy. I didn’t need to know his life story before I knew I admired his heart.

But I’m also a girl with a history of men so anxious to leave me that one of them even blew his brains out. Though nothing compares to that loss, going through deception, lies, and betrayal doesn’t get easier.

I don’t believe in sharing certain moments with more than one person at a time – married or not.

I’m just a girl who now defines herself by what she can give… to her kids, her job, her friends and family.

But what I don’t give… is myself.

To someone who can’t appreciate the gift being offered and be happy to enjoy it without wondering what more is out there, what greater treasure may be found in the world of women.

Life’s too short.

I’ll wait for the one ready to give his heart to just one girl.

Forgive Me?

I’m stubborn. I admit it.

If you asked my friends, they’d probably say I’m the most easy-going and down-to-earth person they know. Yet, when I get an idea into my head, there’s almost no changing my mind. My belief system and opinions about certain things are something I hold onto tightly.

For instance, I believe that my ex-husband will never stop being a pathological liar. Almost nothing would convince me otherwise — even knowing the power of God to change us from the inside-out, no matter our past or present.

Now, this post isn’t about my ex and what he did or didn’t do. It’s about my own personal shortcomings related to this stubbornness.

Over the last few months, I’ve come to realize that once I’ve made up my mind about something — that’s it. There’s no turning back. But the last few days have shown me how incredibly unfair this is to the people in my life.

In particular, I have been dwelling on my inability to fully forgive someone for a past mistake — even though I played an equal part in it.

When someone apologizes for hurting you, how do you react?

• Accept the apology and move on like nothing happened?
• Accept the apology but never forget what happened?
• Or, decide neither to forgive nor forget?

I realized that I have accepted an apology but have not moved on. I’m still holding the past against this person and without reason.

People can and do change.

When God changes us, He does it from the inside-out, which means our outward actions may not quite align with the direction our heart is headed in. On the outside, it’s impossible to know where someone stands with God and that’s not our business to know anyway.

So why do I assume then that people can’t change? They could be changing before my very eyes and I may not even know it!

Nobody wants to open themselves up to hurt. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But I know God would want me to offer unlimited forgiveness… as well as grace.

I cannot be unwilling to give people a second chance just because of my own fears. If everyone treated forgiveness that way, would any of us ever really be forgiven? I have needed this grace so many times myself and I’m thankful that others gave me that second chance.

So I will do it.

I will set aside stubbornness and allow myself to be vulnerable by believing that change is not only possible, but inevitable.

I will fully forgive my friend, moving on without keeping a record of wrongs.

And I will seek forgiveness myself, for failing to believe in him, his progress, and his path to change. Just because I don’t see it with my eyes, doesn’t mean God can’t see it in his heart.

I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?

Will Write for Therapy

It’s been one of those weeks when I feel way more emotional than usual. It doesn’t happen much these days; I’m more likely to be anxious and wound-up than tearful and quiet, but the sun seems to be gone from more than just the skies this week.

I have a daily journal and used to write in it faithfully each night before bed, but since the Big D, I have had a hard time making that a priority in my busy schedule. I have a hard enough time writing regularly on this blog. But I know me, and I know when I stop writing, I get cranky.

So… let’s do a little “how does that make you feel” and see if it helps.

School – I’m so frustrated with college right now. I’m feeling a lot of pressure to continue to a BA degree, but I’m so done. Tuition keeps going up, I’m in over my head in student loans and I can’t focus on my family the way I need to when school is such a high priority. I just registered for Fall classes today, and I’ll be taking the two classes needed for the AA and I’m taking a break… those other 95 units will have to come in handy when I win the lottery and feel like applying to Chico State.

My Kids – You know me as an honest person, so I just have to say I have had a lot of trouble with one of my girls lately. So. Much. Stress! I finally broke down and made an appointment with a psychiatrist because if I didn’t, I was going to end up seeing one eventually when they locked me in the looney bin. Her follow up is Thursday and hopefully I’ll have a better idea of what’s going on with her so we can deal with it.

My Job – What can I say? I love my job. Sure, it has some stressful moments, but I have great co-workers and a wonderful boss who sees my abilities and passions and is more than happy to tailor my position to uniquely help those in the community who suffer from things I am educated about. If it were a full-time position with benefits, I’d be the happiest person in the world, but for now I’m considering it the best experience a person can get in the world of special needs and disability advocacy.

That leaves the one thing I’m most excited and scared about at the same time – my new love. Oh yes, I don’t doubt that I am in love, fallen hard, but I find myself having a hard time just letting it be. Does that make sense?

It’s been a LONG time since I opened my heart to someone this way and something isn’t right. I don’t feel 100% vulnerable. I’m completely honest with him… I’m myself around him, as far as I know. When he’s over, I discipline my kids the way I normally would, I eat what I normally would, I tell him how I feel about things that are important to me, etc. But I still feel on-guard, which is weird because I’m usually the type that jumps right in and gets too emotionally attached too fast.

I wonder if this means I’m being more mature about all this… treating it like real love and not a fling or lust. On the other hand, I feel guilty… like I’m being distrustful and assuming he will leave if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or look the wrong way in any given moment. It’s not fair to him to make these assumptions or carry these worries based on past events with men who (obviously) didn’t know a thing about real commitment. When you make that decision to be with someone, you decide to accept all of them no matter what.

We’ve already talked about that and both seem to be on the same page as far as what commitment means, but I’m still scared. A part of me thinks that’s a sign of how serious this is or could get. I don’t remember EVER being scared with any men I’ve ever made a commitment to. Never. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

I guess it comes down trusting that other person knows how to handle disappointment, because nobody is perfect and everyone disappoints their partner at some point or another. I’ve lived through plenty of disappointment in my life and know how to handle it well… but does he? Am I selling myself short or not putting enough faith in him? Probably both.

But I love him. I really do.

I just hope he knows how much.