Hoping for Answers

Last I wrote, I had a great job and things were looking up. Things sure do change in a hurry in my life. I spent the last month dealing with police, child services, cancellation of my health insurance and the threat of losing my children in a custody battle. Then yesterday, I rejoined the millions of unemployed. Things seem pretty bleak, huh?

Not really. God will pull us through, and I have total faith in his abilities to let us suffer only to the extent that it brings glory to his name. Someday I’ll be the story that the unbelievers look at in awe and wonder… how did she do it? How did she get through all of that in one piece? I’ll be able to say it was because of my Lord… because of my ability to let go of my life and let him guide me where he wants me.

Where is that now though?

I have no idea. I am so lost. Believers shouldn’t feel helpless and hopeless or lost, but we do from time to time. It’s easy to feel abandoned and tossed aside to be forgotten. It’s easy to think we’re being punished or that we don’t deserve the good in life that we know he can and does provide for others. But I know better. I know that when I was blessed… materially, with a home, nice car, more money than we could spend each month… I was more lost than I am now. At least now I know I am loved and accepted just as I am, poor and all, and I am thankful everyday for his love and the gifts he gives me in my children and friends and family.

However, these recent changes in events have me thinking… where does God want me? I honestly don’t know, but I’m going to be praying about it hard. I have friends and family who would love to see me move to Southern California for a fresh start. Others suggest Reno, where my ex-husband and I were building our home when we separated. My brother in Alabama wants me to join him out there with him and his family.

I know I have so many wonderfully awesome people in my life who want to help and suggest the path the girls and I will heal most quickly on, but I want to go where my future is. But I don’t know what my future holds. It could be love, it could be more children, it could be staying at home with a family or finding another job. It could be remaining single and serving only him and my children for the rest of my life. I have no idea, though I am aware of the gifts he has given me to share with the world. I only need to find how best to share them, and then I believe I will find my way.

I have to admit a change of pace and location would be ideal right about now. With all the heartache over the last year and a half and all the recent turbulence with my in-laws and the California system, I’m ready to run away. The school district is declining faster than could have been anticipated and I dread sending my kids to a school where they don’t have access to a library. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe books will never die and should not be eliminated because of classroom access to the internet.

Now that I have nothing holding me here in Paradise, I am considering relocation. My parents are here and I grew up here… but there’s nothing else. After six months I still don’t feel at home in my new church and after a year of looking for love, I have come to realize it’s not likely to find me here. After a year and a half of looking for a great employer with pay that will sustain me, I see that is just as hard to find.

Where is my future? Who is it with? Where is my happy ending?

Please Lord, send me some answers…

Scared to Fall in Love

Lately I’ve noticed that I’m being leery of my suitors and their intentions. If you know anything about me, you know I do have good reason for that; however, I am starting to wonder if I’m being a bit unfair. I’m striking them out before they get up to bat — or worse — judging whether they’re even fit to enter the ballpark.

Stupid baseball analogies.

I don’t want to be single forever, but I’m still scared to let this season of singleness end. How do I put my heart into prayer for something when I have so much fear over it actually happening? I end up having to pray that the Lord takes away my fears of having my dreams come true. There is something wrong with that, I’m certain.

I watched a movie today where a young lady told it how it is — relationships are messy. Someone always gets hurt. Been there, done that. But really, who hasn’t? While most people dust themselves off and start over, I sit right where I fell and begin to wonder if it’s worth it to get up.

I am scared to love again. I don’t know if my heart can stand to be left again.

The Bible says that when two people are married, they are joined as one. When one person leaves, it rips a hole so wide and ragged in the heart of the deserted that it seems irreparable. Even once healing has begun, it’s easy for the ragged edges to catch and tear on something. A year and a half later I still don’t feel whole though I have come so, so far.

A new relationship isn’t going to heal me, I know that. Only Christ can make me whole… and it will take a lifetime I’m sure. I don’t want to wait until I’m fully healed to let another man into my life, but with that said, I suppose it’s going to take one hell of a man to understand how hard it is going to be for me to trust and how hard he is going to need to work to earn that trust.

I am going to need a man who can accept me as a broken human being… who can accept that he can’t change me and won’t try… who will point me to who CAN change me… and who will fight for my love — because I don’t think I’m willing to accept any less than someone who can prove they are in it forever.

I do want to love again, but I don’t know how to get my head and my heart into agreement about whether it’s time. All I can do is pray and trust that God is taking care of my love story. It will happen, in His time, whether that’s now… or later.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to be fair to all the wonderful men out there by giving them the benefit of the doubt. If someone is willing to break through the gates and brave enough to step up to bat, I’ll let God be the umpire, the judge, the jury. I know He wants me to play ball… I feel it. He’s pushing me out there, but I just need to find the courage to leave the dugout.

“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4