Single mom shares her thoughts about life, love and loss. It's an emotional journey, but it's healing.
far from here
close to there
that’s where i’d like to be
having you
close to me
that’s all i’d ever need
we took a chance
broke some rules
and maybe found our destinies
someone who’ll care
someone to be there
in our hearts, not physically
because distance takes
too much space
and so do memories
we can’t seem
to give those up
even for a glimpse to see
what could become
of these two hearts
if thrown together happily
but no matter what
circumstances bring
knowing you was meant to be
Three things will last forever–faith, hope, and love–and the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor. 13:13
It’s easy to lose faith in people. Not one of us is perfect and all of us are sinners. We do and say things we regret, and others hurt us by doing the same. Apologies given or not, those wounds don’t always heal and with each cut we begin to devalue our loved ones more and more. I’ve personally had a lot of opportunity to give grace lately, but deep down I’m starting to wonder what ever happened to a thing called reliability. Responsibility. Courtesy. Self-control. Consideration.
I’ll be the first person to admit that I’ve said and done things that have hurt others, but I’d like to think all of it was unintentional. I do have a conscience and the thought of someone being in pain because of me is hard to swallow. I’ve offered apologies for things I’ve never done just to ease the hurt of the people I care about, and I’d do it again if needed.
But what I really want to talk about here is the type of behavior that is reckless, intentional, damaging — done without a conscious regard for the feelings of others or the consequences of their actions. Maybe I misread or misunderstand people, but lately I’ve noticed that so many of us have just begun to stop caring. I think technology has made it worse. Hide behind a computer screen and you can rip a person to shreds without regard for their feelings because you can’t see the hurt on their face or the tears in their eyes. Hide behind a cell phone and you can tell a straight-faced lie because a text is a text.
Unfortunately, I’m one of the few people who can sense those lies, who picks up on the selfish disregard for others. Most of the time I’m good about letting it slide like water off a duck’s back, but lately it really has been bothering me. Partly because I know I deserve the respect and courtesy and consideration from others, but also because I see humanity failing one another. We wonder why there is a great divide in the country and then we turn around and act two-faced to people we love the most. Forget change in politics, what we need is a change within ourselves.
The Bible tells us that faith will remain forever… and out of faith springs hope and out of hope, love. I’ve been trying to offer grace and mercy when others let me down, but maybe I should be proclaiming my faith in them instead. We should not have faith just in our God, but in each other. Faith that people can change, can turn from evil things, cease their hurtful actions, feel conviction over their thoughtless words. This will not just create peace within society, but also within our own homes.
Put this faith in your spouse (or your kids!) when you feel you have been let down. Lean on the hope that the good always outweighs the bad and forget not that every negative moment is such a small part of an overall loving relationship and in the end means nothing. When you begin acting from the place that faith and hope reside, you will find that you act out of love. You will create love, emanate love, spread love. The greatest of all things is love and God’s word tells us exactly how to find it. Once you do, those little nuances about others that make you want to lose faith in them… they melt away as grace appears and hope blooms. Love. It’s really the answer to everything.
Begin having faith, begin hoping, begin loving.
February has historically been a tough month for me. Over the years, many of my life’s (not-so-great) defining moments happened during this month, and it’s hard not to be reminded of it each time January ends. Oh, and never mind the endless onslaught of commercials, magazine covers, and movies that tell me this is the happiest and most love-filled month of the year and that I am nothing without a Valentine.
Don’t get me wrong: I love chocolates and little candy hearts with messages on them and heart-shaped pizza. I don’t love society telling me my life isn’t complete unless I have someone to eat them with. I love sappy romance flicks and love songs and holding hands and skin-tingling kisses. I don’t love being reminded that I am missing out on something greater.
Sure, my life is good. I mean, I am happy. I have a place to live, I have a great new job (yay me!), I have many wonderful friends, and a supportive family. I have two little girls who love me to the moon and back; according to one of them at least. Best of all, I have a God who loves me and provides for me and forgives my every sin.
So what’s so wrong with all that?
Nothing. Then society steps in and gives me a reason to doubt that all that I have and am grateful for is not enough.
It’s not just that, though. God’s Word itself, The Bible, tells me how wonderful love is… that humans were not made to be alone… that two is better than one… that love triumphs all evil, covers all sin.
Personally, I get sick of my friends who tell me being single is a blessing and that I should focus on God alone. I do understand, and I do realize, that for all things there is a time and season. They are great learning and growth opportunities, and boy have I done a lot of that in the last 3 years.
There comes a time though, when growth stands still and life plateaus. Just like an exercise regiment that gets stale, a new element needs to be added in order for change to continue. With singleness, there does come a time when you need to open your heart to love and let it in so that you can continue to change and become the person you were meant to be. The trick is knowing when it’s time. Too soon and you fight a strong current. Too late and you could miss something grand. God’s timing is perfect, but most of us have a hard time waiting for His signal to stand out loud and clear above our own will.
I haven’t figured it out yet.
If you thought I was writing this to tell you that I believe my season of singleness is over, you’re wrong.
I’m still waiting. For what, I’m not sure. A big bolt in the sky. A glimpse of clarity. A heart-stopping moment. Some sign of some kind.
In the meantime, I’ve filled my life with more distractions than I know how to juggle. But like all things you throw into the air, at some point they fall to the ground. When the juggling act slows down for a second, when life gives me time to breathe and collect my thoughts, that’s when I’m no longer distracted and when I start to miss love and wonder if I’ve missed the boat, as well.
I’m tired of waiting. In my heart, I’ve all but given up.
It’s in these moments of stillness that I begin to think my time has passed. Some days I truly believe I will never again marry and when I see pictures of myself, I see myself old and alone. And not because I believe this is how God wants me; that He sees me as better off single or better able to serve the world alone. Rather, it’s just too hard not to give up and I’m really not as strong as people think I am.
I don’t know how many married people read my blog, but I know you have moments like this, too. I know there are times when you feel like your marriage was a mistake, like you are living with a roommate and not your spouse, like you are missing out on something bigger and better. Trust me, I know. I feel your pain.
It’s human nature to think about all the things we don’t have, can’t have, should have had but never will get. Whether you are married, single, separated, or divorced, we all have those thoughts. I suppose those thoughts of mine are what spurred on this post. There are many things I’d like to have in my life right now, but don’t. More than any of those things, love is at the top. It’s all that matters. Not money, not things money can buy, nothing.
Maybe my time has passed. Maybe it hasn’t. I don’t know, but I hope not.
There is nothing greater in this world than seeing a smile you are responsible for, feeling a touch you’ve thought about all day, hearing a voice that comforts. There is nothing more powerful in this world than love. More powerful than death, than sin, than all the evil that this world is being swallowed up in… love conquers all.
So forgive me just this month if I put aside all the misgivings I have over February and join the masses in believing that life is not complete without all the images that Valentine’s Day brings to mind. Forgive me if I soak in the romance of it all and dwell just for a moment on breath-taking first glances with eyes that smile and arms that hold tight and never let go.
Moments like these I believe God created love to give us something to live for, to die for, and to look forward to when times are tough.
Now you’ll have to excuse me. My chocolates and love song playlist are waiting.
Why is it so amazingly easy to say no to something I want and yes to something I don’t? Those to whom I’ve said no would never understand and it would take a lifetime of explaining to even get close. Truthfully, I wouldn’t even know where to start.
I know my situation is a product of my own decisions, as there have been opportunities turned down and people turned away. And still, even though I’m not entirely happy with where I’m at, I continue to turn down the things which might bring me joy.
In matters of the heart, I claim to want love and yet give off a vibe that makes me the most unapproachable single mom alive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing it on purpose and I’m not playing games. I do want romance and chemistry and passion… but I don’t believe you should have to work for it. The greatest loves just happen. You have no say over it because the connection is there before either of you even know it. There is no work involved no matter how much self-sacrifice takes place; pure joy covers the effort.
Of all the times I’ve said “I love you” to a man, only once have I experienced such a connection. Our friendship was based on trust and understanding and acceptance right from the start because there was no other option. It just happened, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. No sooner did God bring him into my life did He take him away… perhaps a lesson to learn about what true love should be. Not something predictable by physical proximity, nor each other’s age, upbringing, or vices. But rather it’s a pillar of strength and a beacon of light that shines in the dark and points to the irreplaceable love of the Father. In good times and bad, the bond of friendship never ceases although one can pretend it does. Long enough to walk away can one fool themselves and forever be sorry.
He is gone now and though I fought hard to forget for quite some time, his death has made it harder to do so. Grief is a funny thing; it highlights what is missing in our lives and makes us believe that one shot is all we get. We believe nothing could ever be so good; that we’ve used up all the luck we had.
Say it isn’t so.
No, I’m not playing hard to get. I am hard to get. Love is not a game I want to play, a chance I want to take. I want to wake up in it, unexpectedly, without searching or trying or wondering. Because the real thing, it just happens. It’s there; before you’ve even had the chance to give your heart permission, it’s gone.
It happens. It did happen. It will again. God is so good I have to believe that.
Next time there will be no pretending. No walking away, afraid to fight the norm.
Until then, I may seem lonely and talk about love… I may wish for, hope for love. But I have my blinders on and will continue to say no… because I have realized that if I need to answer, it’s already too late. It’s not real.
I lied.
We all have, at some point or another. To protect others, we use white lies and half-truths and call them harmless. All the while we reason… what they don’t know won’t hurt them.
We lie to ourselves also; we fail to face the truth and hide behind assumptions in order to be safe. This can be equally, if not more, dangerous than lying to someone’s face.
It doesn’t matter what kind of lies we tell — none of them are ever appropriate nor acceptable to God. Lying and deception are sins and while we’re all sinners, I cannot stand deceivers and others who thrive off hurting people this way.
So then you might see that for someone such as myself — one who has always been proud of her brutal honesty — realizing a recent habit of lies came as a harsh and painful truth.
I lied both to myself and to another.
The intention was to protect myself, but I ended up hurting myself instead. I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but at the first hint of pain, I closed up and replaced love with lies.
It’s so easy to tell yourself it doesn’t hurt… that it’s okay… that you’ll be alright… that you’re over it. It’s easy at first to tell someone you don’t care when you do. It’s easy to put up a wall and wait for someone to jump over it. What’s easy is not what’s best, however.
If you say no when you mean yes, and never when you want to say now, you grow further and further from the opportunity to know the truth. If you wait for certainty before deeply sharing your heart, you slowly lose the chance to share it at all. And if you shut people out of your life when all you want to do is love on them, you’re not only lying to yourself but cheating them out of an experience as well.
Too many times I’ve fallen in love and lost and I always get back up and try again. In fact, some may say I fall in love too easily, too quickly… but I know it is only because there is much to love about others. I see the good in them even if they don’t see it in themselves. Sometimes it seems like a curse and more often than not I trust people when I shouldn’t.
I am tired of lying.
I am tired of pretending I’m okay with being friends. I am tired of acting like it doesn’t bother me when other girls catch your eye or when I’m not the one you’re thinking of or spending time with. I am tired of convincing myself it will be better this way.
Pushing people away helps me avoid being vulnerable and getting hurt, but I must stop assuming it’s automatically going to happen and I must stop finding ways to sabotage my own efforts.
I’m not going to lie in this moment. My heart is hurting. It has been. Not because of his actions but my own.
He may not have wanted anything more than friendship, but did I even give him the chance to make that decision? I shut him out before the time even came and even with a second chance at friendship, I still push him away. I’m too scared to let him in, to feel unrequited love grow, to lose that love again.
But as long as I hold love at arm’s length, I will never get to embrace it. I will never let anyone in. I will always be alone.
I don’t want that.
So I must remember what love is, put it into practice, and then maybe one day it will endure…
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
