I know my situation is a product of my own decisions, as there have been opportunities turned down and people turned away. And still, even though I’m not entirely happy with where I’m at, I continue to turn down the things which might bring me joy.

In matters of the heart, I claim to want love and yet give off a vibe that makes me the most unapproachable single mom alive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing it on purpose and I’m not playing games. I do want romance and chemistry and passion… but I don’t believe you should have to work for it. The greatest loves just happen. You have no say over it because the connection is there before either of you even know it. There is no work involved no matter how much self-sacrifice takes place; pure joy covers the effort.

Of all the times I’ve said “I love you” to a man, only once have I experienced such a connection. Our friendship was based on trust and understanding and acceptance right from the start because there was no other option. It just happened, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. No sooner did God bring him into my life did He take him away… perhaps a lesson to learn about what true love should be. Not something predictable by physical proximity, nor each other’s age, upbringing, or vices. But rather it’s a pillar of strength and a beacon of light that shines in the dark and points to the irreplaceable love of the Father. In good times and bad, the bond of friendship never ceases although one can pretend it does. Long enough to walk away can one fool themselves and forever be sorry.

He is gone now and though I fought hard to forget for quite some time, his death has made it harder to do so. Grief is a funny thing; it highlights what is missing in our lives and makes us believe that one shot is all we get. We believe nothing could ever be so good; that we’ve used up all the luck we had.

Say it isn’t so.

No, I’m not playing hard to get. I am hard to get. Love is not a game I want to play, a chance I want to take. I want to wake up in it, unexpectedly, without searching or trying or wondering. Because the real thing, it just happens. It’s there; before you’ve even had the chance to give your heart permission, it’s gone.

It happens. It did happen. It will again. God is so good I have to believe that.

Next time there will be no pretending. No walking away, afraid to fight the norm.

Until then, I may seem lonely and talk about love… I may wish for, hope for love. But I have my blinders on and will continue to say no… because I have realized that if I need to answer, it’s already too late. It’s not real.

We all have, at some point or another. To protect others, we use white lies and half-truths and call them harmless. All the while we reason… what they don’t know won’t hurt them.

We lie to ourselves also; we fail to face the truth and hide behind assumptions in order to be safe. This can be equally, if not more, dangerous than lying to someone’s face.

It doesn’t matter what kind of lies we tell — none of them are ever appropriate nor acceptable to God. Lying and deception are sins and while we’re all sinners, I cannot stand deceivers and others who thrive off hurting people this way.

So then you might see that for someone such as myself — one who has always been proud of her brutal honesty — realizing a recent habit of lies came as a harsh and painful truth.

I lied both to myself and to another.

The intention was to protect myself, but I ended up hurting myself instead. I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but at the first hint of pain, I closed up and replaced love with lies.

It’s so easy to tell yourself it doesn’t hurt… that it’s okay… that you’ll be alright… that you’re over it. It’s easy at first to tell someone you don’t care when you do. It’s easy to put up a wall and wait for someone to jump over it. What’s easy is not what’s best, however.

If you say no when you mean yes, and never when you want to say now, you grow further and further from the opportunity to know the truth. If you wait for certainty before deeply sharing your heart, you slowly lose the chance to share it at all. And if you shut people out of your life when all you want to do is love on them, you’re not only lying to yourself but cheating them out of an experience as well.

Too many times I’ve fallen in love and lost and I always get back up and try again. In fact, some may say I fall in love too easily, too quickly… but I know it is only because there is much to love about others. I see the good in them even if they don’t see it in themselves. Sometimes it seems like a curse and more often than not I trust people when I shouldn’t.

I am tired of lying.

I am tired of pretending I’m okay with being friends. I am tired of acting like it doesn’t bother me when other girls catch your eye or when I’m not the one you’re thinking of or spending time with. I am tired of convincing myself it will be better this way.

Pushing people away helps me avoid being vulnerable and getting hurt, but I must stop assuming it’s automatically going to happen and I must stop finding ways to sabotage my own efforts.

I’m not going to lie in this moment. My heart is hurting. It has been. Not because of his actions but my own.

He may not have wanted anything more than friendship, but did I even give him the chance to make that decision? I shut him out before the time even came and even with a second chance at friendship, I still push him away. I’m too scared to let him in, to feel unrequited love grow, to lose that love again.

But as long as I hold love at arm’s length, I will never get to embrace it. I will never let anyone in. I will always be alone.

I don’t want that.

So I must remember what love is, put it into practice, and then maybe one day it will endure…

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

In person at least.

Anyone who knows me knows that you put me in front of a keyboard and I’ll never shut up. But unless someone shows interest in learning more about me by asking me questions, I don’t always volunteer information.

There are two reasons for this:

1.  I am not skilled at communicating verbally, and
2.  I’d rather think, and listen.

Deep in a thought… my blog name has purpose.

I’ve had some wonderful conversations with some great people, don’t get me wrong. The best are the kind with an equal amount of give and take. Offer information, ask for information. Both people have to be interested in what the other has to say… even the slightest hint of otherwise dooms the conversation.

If you want to get to know me, take the time to get to know me.

Don’t ask one question and then dominate the rest of the conversation. I’ll listen, but you won’t learn.

You won’t learn a thing about me.

So here it is.

I’m just a girl who likes a boy. I didn’t need to know his life story before I knew I admired his heart.

But I’m also a girl with a history of men so anxious to leave me that one of them even blew his brains out. Though nothing compares to that loss, going through deception, lies, and betrayal doesn’t get easier.

I don’t believe in sharing certain moments with more than one person at a time – married or not.

I’m just a girl who now defines herself by what she can give… to her kids, her job, her friends and family.

But what I don’t give… is myself.

To someone who can’t appreciate the gift being offered and be happy to enjoy it without wondering what more is out there, what greater treasure may be found in the world of women.

Life’s too short.

I’ll wait for the one ready to give his heart to just one girl.

If you asked my friends, they’d probably say I’m the most easy-going and down-to-earth person they know. Yet, when I get an idea into my head, there’s almost no changing my mind. My belief system and opinions about certain things are something I hold onto tightly.

For instance, I believe that my ex-husband will never stop being a pathological liar. Almost nothing would convince me otherwise — even knowing the power of God to change us from the inside-out, no matter our past or present.

Now, this post isn’t about my ex and what he did or didn’t do. It’s about my own personal shortcomings related to this stubbornness.

Over the last few months, I’ve come to realize that once I’ve made up my mind about something — that’s it. There’s no turning back. But the last few days have shown me how incredibly unfair this is to the people in my life.

In particular, I have been dwelling on my inability to fully forgive someone for a past mistake — even though I played an equal part in it.

When someone apologizes for hurting you, how do you react?

• Accept the apology and move on like nothing happened?
• Accept the apology but never forget what happened?
• Or, decide neither to forgive nor forget?

I realized that I have accepted an apology but have not moved on. I’m still holding the past against this person and without reason.

People can and do change.

When God changes us, He does it from the inside-out, which means our outward actions may not quite align with the direction our heart is headed in. On the outside, it’s impossible to know where someone stands with God and that’s not our business to know anyway.

So why do I assume then that people can’t change? They could be changing before my very eyes and I may not even know it!

Nobody wants to open themselves up to hurt. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But I know God would want me to offer unlimited forgiveness… as well as grace.

I cannot be unwilling to give people a second chance just because of my own fears. If everyone treated forgiveness that way, would any of us ever really be forgiven? I have needed this grace so many times myself and I’m thankful that others gave me that second chance.

So I will do it.

I will set aside stubbornness and allow myself to be vulnerable by believing that change is not only possible, but inevitable.

I will fully forgive my friend, moving on without keeping a record of wrongs.

And I will seek forgiveness myself, for failing to believe in him, his progress, and his path to change. Just because I don’t see it with my eyes, doesn’t mean God can’t see it in his heart.

I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?

“The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved.”

I came across this musical lyric not more than 10 minutes ago while listening to Pandora, and it struck a nerve. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be lovable, what it takes to be lovable, and what kind of walls get put up that keep someone from receiving the love they truly deserve.

I recently watched the new movie release, Beastly, which is a modern retelling of the classic Beauty and the Beast. The concept is the same… man loves beauty, is cursed and turned into a beast, at which point he must get someone to fall in love with him before times runs out or he’ll stay that way forever. It’s a well-known fairytale — one that I have to admit is my favorite — and for good reason.

My heart has always resonated with Beast, in his ugliness. His plight is one people of this world face everyday — how to be lovable when all you feel is hatred for yourself on the inside and out. How do you come to acceptance of the hand you’ve been dealt? Or learn to appreciate what you can offer instead of what you wish you could?

I know there are many people out there right now struggling, wanting to find a reason to be loved. To you, I have something to say.

You’re not alone.

You are beautiful. Inside and out.

You matter. To me. To your friends, family, coworkers. To humanity.

Your life makes a difference. Find that difference. Embrace it. Love it.

This is how love will find you.

Whether your curse is a wall you’ve put up, a job you’re too busy doing, a lack of self confidence in your appearance, or the disapproval of others in any area of your life — know that there is love in this world waiting for you. A curse only holds power if you believe in it, so instead believe you are lovable and prove it to yourself.

I challenge you, like Beast, to take a leap of faith this week. Seek out a source of happiness and explore it. Find that reason to be loved and then share it with others just as I am with you.

“Love wasn’t put in your heart to stay. Love isn’t love until you give it away.”

I have a daily journal and used to write in it faithfully each night before bed, but since the Big D, I have had a hard time making that a priority in my busy schedule. I have a hard enough time writing regularly on this blog. But I know me, and I know when I stop writing, I get cranky.

So… let’s do a little “how does that make you feel” and see if it helps.

School – I’m so frustrated with college right now. I’m feeling a lot of pressure to continue to a BA degree, but I’m so done. Tuition keeps going up, I’m in over my head in student loans and I can’t focus on my family the way I need to when school is such a high priority. I just registered for Fall classes today, and I’ll be taking the two classes needed for the AA and I’m taking a break… those other 95 units will have to come in handy when I win the lottery and feel like applying to Chico State.

My Kids – You know me as an honest person, so I just have to say I have had a lot of trouble with one of my girls lately. So. Much. Stress! I finally broke down and made an appointment with a psychiatrist because if I didn’t, I was going to end up seeing one eventually when they locked me in the looney bin. Her follow up is Thursday and hopefully I’ll have a better idea of what’s going on with her so we can deal with it.

My Job – What can I say? I love my job. Sure, it has some stressful moments, but I have great co-workers and a wonderful boss who sees my abilities and passions and is more than happy to tailor my position to uniquely help those in the community who suffer from things I am educated about. If it were a full-time position with benefits, I’d be the happiest person in the world, but for now I’m considering it the best experience a person can get in the world of special needs and disability advocacy.

That leaves the one thing I’m most excited and scared about at the same time – my new love. Oh yes, I don’t doubt that I am in love, fallen hard, but I find myself having a hard time just letting it be. Does that make sense?

It’s been a LONG time since I opened my heart to someone this way and something isn’t right. I don’t feel 100% vulnerable. I’m completely honest with him… I’m myself around him, as far as I know. When he’s over, I discipline my kids the way I normally would, I eat what I normally would, I tell him how I feel about things that are important to me, etc. But I still feel on-guard, which is weird because I’m usually the type that jumps right in and gets too emotionally attached too fast.

I wonder if this means I’m being more mature about all this… treating it like real love and not a fling or lust. On the other hand, I feel guilty… like I’m being distrustful and assuming he will leave if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or look the wrong way in any given moment. It’s not fair to him to make these assumptions or carry these worries based on past events with men who (obviously) didn’t know a thing about real commitment. When you make that decision to be with someone, you decide to accept all of them no matter what.

We’ve already talked about that and both seem to be on the same page as far as what commitment means, but I’m still scared. A part of me thinks that’s a sign of how serious this is or could get. I don’t remember EVER being scared with any men I’ve ever made a commitment to. Never. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

I guess it comes down trusting that other person knows how to handle disappointment, because nobody is perfect and everyone disappoints their partner at some point or another. I’ve lived through plenty of disappointment in my life and know how to handle it well… but does he? Am I selling myself short or not putting enough faith in him? Probably both.

But I love him. I really do.

I just hope he knows how much.

Not wanting to jinx anything, I have kept much to myself since we went on our first date. I don’t know at what point it’s appropriate to tell the world how I feel or at what point the line between friends and more has been crossed. All I know is when he is not here, I wish he was and first thing every morning my kids ask when they get to see him again. They love him and he adores them; that alone is enough to win my heart. Thankfully there is so much more to appreciate about him.

I’m trying hard to stay level-headed and keep from being swept away too quickly. I remember what it’s like to lose and hurt as it wasn’t all that long ago. I can still feel the wall I built around my heart. It’s now crumbling brick by brick though and I am feeling things I haven’t felt in quite a while. I have to say it scares me. Trusting someone, letting them into your world, being vulnerable, revealing your faults… the process of falling in love can be brutal but exhilarating at the same time.

Close to the tipping point of falling, I am holding on to the safety of being single and behind a wall. I can’t stay there forever though… I don’t want to and the kids don’t want me to. So I put all my trust in God and pray for guidance as I wait to see where this unfolds.

Only He knows if this is the man I’ve been praying for..

As you start to feel your arms and legs stretch and the discomfort of being pulled alongside the rotation of the Earth, you know you’re evolving again. Change is painful and emotional growth is uncomfortable, but both are necessary and unavoidable. Changes may be in a positive direction, but expect them to release the toxins that have been stirring inside during your standstill.

The last two weeks brought some positive changes in my life:

• After 8 months without a car, I finally received the funds to buy one.
• My stressed-out loved one is seeking help and wants to reconcile.
• I was offered my dream job and am excited about the experience this will give me.

Yet I feel so empty, sad, heartsick. You would think I’d be happy, but I’m not.

I miss being in love. My life is evolving and changing, but that one thing is still missing.

Love is healing, comforting, soothing, intoxicating, uplifting. It is not just an emotion or a verb. It is a living thing. The sustenance of the earth, what makes life possible. The mountains are easier to climb, more exciting to explore and more beautiful in the morning when you’re in love. Life has a different meaning when you aren’t living it alone, when you’re joined as one with another.

God knew that. He needs love and fellowship, too. That’s why He created us, to love and worship him. Unfortunately, human love isn’t so easy to obtain or to hold onto. It’s sad that the greatest struggle in life is for one of our greatest needs.

Some people think life would be better, easier, with more money or more time. I think it needs more love.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:13

Sent to me by an editor at the Christian division of Random House (WaterBrook Multnomah) just after I told her my husband left me, “I Do Again” sat in a pile somewhere collecting dust for the last two years. I was almost resentful that Staci sent me the book, because when she said she had a book that might help me I never imagined it would be a book about a couple reuniting 10 years after an adulterous affair split them apart. But… Thursday night I walked by that bookcase and felt God telling me to pull it off the shelves and just read.

It was 1am and I was 111 pages into the book when I finally read what He wanted to tell me…

It wasn’t that He could save my marriage. It wasn’t that I should try to reconcile despite the lies and adultery. It was that He can make any marriage work despite what happens. He can do those things… but that wasn’t what I needed to hear.

Simply, it was that no matter what happens in our lives — whether God chooses to reconcile our relationships, take those we love away from us or keep us alone for the rest of our lives — we must love and desire Him. I prayed that night, that NO MATTER WHAT — whether single or married or childless — I would love and trust in the plan that is for me.

I couldn’t read anymore after that page, but I spent 2 hours tearfully writing in my journal about my feelings on reconciliation. The next day I told Sean I’d sign the papers but that I couldn’t do it without telling him first that I don’t think divorce was the right answer; I believe with God all things are possible, including saving a damaged relationship. I wouldn’t drag things on by contesting it, but I would be signing in disagreement. We didn’t sign any papers that day, not because we are reconciling but because it turns out they aren’t complete. But, after he left with the kids that afternoon, I felt the most at peace that I have since we separated.

I think God could restore our marriage (with a lot of work) but I am also totally confident that I have a great life ahead of me as a single mom, too. I don’t believe he will restore it, and to be honest at this point I don’t really want restoration, but this realization (that He could if He wanted to and will if He thinks it’s best) was still very healing.

Saturday I felt the most amazing calm and confident hope, ready to accept whatever life had to bring my way. Little did I know that the faith I showed in my prayers Thursday night would be tested, but you should know — if you declare your allegiance to God “no matter what” — the devil will make sure you mean just that…

But what about dating?

I recently watched the movie, The Ugly Truth, in which a vulgar man seeks only easy, skinny women and a “prudish” woman hunts for suitors by the items on her list. I have to say I did not like the movie at all — the premise, the characters, the ending. I didn’t find any truth in it at all, but I’m just naive. I watched it because a male friend mentioned that he enjoyed it and I wanted to find out what it was all about.

He says that yes, it’s the ugly truth that men are only interested in skinny girls and that women only “shop” for men through a series of checklists. I guess I’m more of an idealist (aka don’t have a clue) so I argued back that obviously some men don’t mind women who aren’t model-thin, because I’ve had relationships given my curves and all. I also made sure he knew that women certainly do not use lists.

But then a few days later I found out that we really do. What?! I’m supposed to have a list?

In talking with some female friends on Facebook, I found that women are really picky about who they date and do compare men to a list of qualities. I can understand the basics… must not be a child molester, wanted fugitive psycho or IRS agent. We all have standards, most of which fall under the categories of hygiene, character and physical attraction, or chemistry. But seriously… why must we have lists that include where a person works, what kind of job they have, car they drive… how tall they are, how much hair they have or whether they like dogs versus cats?

I have been single two years now, so you’d think I’m just as picky. Not really. I’m just waiting until I meet the right person. I’m not interested in being in a relationship just for the sake of not being alone. I suppose I have standards, seeing as I do have two young children and we’ve been devastated in the past through deceit. But I’ll be honest, I do not have a mental or physical list that I compare men to.

I think God knows what I need and will match me up with someone who will compliment me as perfectly as I compliment him. I may be naive, but I think when you fall in love, those little things on a list don’t matter. Love is blind, and sometimes that’s a good thing.

Do you have a list, and if so, what’s on it?? Male or female, let me know.