close to there

that’s where i’d like to be

having you

close to me

that’s all i’d ever need

we took a chance

broke some rules

and maybe found our destinies

someone who’ll care

someone to be there

in our hearts, not physically

because distance takes

too much space

and so do memories

we can’t seem

to give those up

even for a glimpse to see

what could become

of these two hearts

if thrown together happily

but no matter what

circumstances bring

knowing you was meant to be

It’s easy to lose faith in people. Not one of us is perfect and all of us are sinners. We do and say things we regret, and others hurt us by doing the same. Apologies given or not, those wounds don’t always heal and with each cut we begin to devalue our loved ones more and more. I’ve personally had a lot of opportunity to give grace lately, but deep down I’m starting to wonder what ever happened to a thing called reliability. Responsibility. Courtesy. Self-control. Consideration.

I’ll be the first person to admit that I’ve said and done things that have hurt others, but I’d like to think all of it was unintentional. I do have a conscience and the thought of someone being in pain because of me is hard to swallow. I’ve offered apologies for things I’ve never done just to ease the hurt of the people I care about, and I’d do it again if needed.

But what I really want to talk about here is the type of behavior that is reckless, intentional, damaging — done without a conscious regard for the feelings of others or the consequences of their actions. Maybe I misread or misunderstand people, but lately I’ve noticed that so many of us have just begun to stop caring. I think technology has made it worse. Hide behind a computer screen and you can rip a person to shreds without regard for their feelings because you can’t see the hurt on their face or the tears in their eyes. Hide behind a cell phone and you can tell a straight-faced lie because a text is a text.

Unfortunately, I’m one of the few people who can sense those lies, who picks up on the selfish disregard for others. Most of the time I’m good about letting it slide like water off a duck’s back, but lately it really has been bothering me. Partly because I know I deserve the respect and courtesy and consideration from others, but also because I see humanity failing one another. We wonder why there is a great divide in the country and then we turn around and act two-faced to people we love the most. Forget change in politics, what we need is a change within ourselves.

The Bible tells us that faith will remain forever… and out of faith springs hope and out of hope, love. I’ve been trying to offer grace and mercy when others let me down, but maybe I should be proclaiming my faith in them instead. We should not have faith just in our God, but in each other. Faith that people can change, can turn from evil things, cease their hurtful actions, feel conviction over their thoughtless words. This will not just create peace within society, but also within our own homes.

Put this faith in your spouse (or your kids!) when you feel you have been let down. Lean on the hope that the good always outweighs the bad and forget not that every negative moment is such a small part of an overall loving relationship and in the end means nothing. When you begin acting from the place that faith and hope reside, you will find that you act out of love. You will create love, emanate love, spread love. The greatest of all things is love and God’s word tells us exactly how to find it. Once you do, those little nuances about others that make you want to lose faith in them… they melt away as grace appears and hope blooms. Love. It’s really the answer to everything.

Begin having faith, begin hoping, begin loving.

Don’t get me wrong: I love chocolates and little candy hearts with messages on them and heart-shaped pizza. I don’t love society telling me my life isn’t complete unless I have someone to eat them with. I love sappy romance flicks and love songs and holding hands and skin-tingling kisses. I don’t love being reminded that I am missing out on something greater.

Sure, my life is good. I mean, I am happy. I have a place to live, I have a great new job (yay me!), I have many wonderful friends, and a supportive family. I have two little girls who love me to the moon and back; according to one of them at least. Best of all, I have a God who loves me and provides for me and forgives my every sin.

So what’s so wrong with all that?

Nothing. Then society steps in and gives me a reason to doubt that all that I have and am grateful for is not enough.

It’s not just that, though. God’s Word itself, The Bible, tells me how wonderful love is… that humans were not made to be alone… that two is better than one… that love triumphs all evil, covers all sin.

Personally, I get sick of my friends who tell me being single is a blessing and that I should focus on God alone. I do understand, and I do realize, that for all things there is a time and season. They are great learning and growth opportunities, and boy have I done a lot of that in the last 3 years.

There comes a time though, when growth stands still and life plateaus. Just like an exercise regiment that gets stale, a new element needs to be added in order for change to continue. With singleness, there does come a time when you need to open your heart to love and let it in so that you can continue to change and become the person you were meant to be. The trick is knowing when it’s time. Too soon and you fight a strong current. Too late and you could miss something grand. God’s timing is perfect, but most of us have a hard time waiting for His signal to stand out loud and clear above our own will.

I haven’t figured it out yet.

If you thought I was writing this to tell you that I believe my season of singleness is over, you’re wrong.

I’m still waiting. For what, I’m not sure. A big bolt in the sky. A glimpse of clarity. A heart-stopping moment. Some sign of some kind.

In the meantime, I’ve filled my life with more distractions than I know how to juggle. But like all things you throw into the air, at some point they fall to the ground. When the juggling act slows down for a second, when life gives me time to breathe and collect my thoughts, that’s when I’m no longer distracted and when I start to miss love and wonder if I’ve missed the boat, as well.

I’m tired of waiting. In my heart, I’ve all but given up.

It’s in these moments of stillness that I begin to think my time has passed. Some days I truly believe I will never again marry and when I see pictures of myself, I see myself old and alone. And not because I believe this is how God wants me; that He sees me as better off single or better able to serve the world alone. Rather, it’s just too hard not to give up and I’m really not as strong as people think I am.

I don’t know how many married people read my blog, but I know you have moments like this, too. I know there are times when you feel like your marriage was a mistake, like you are living with a roommate and not your spouse, like you are missing out on something bigger and better. Trust me, I know. I feel your pain.

It’s human nature to think about all the things we don’t have, can’t have, should have had but never will get. Whether you are married, single, separated, or divorced, we all have those thoughts. I suppose those thoughts of mine are what spurred on this post. There are many things I’d like to have in my life right now, but don’t. More than any of those things, love is at the top. It’s all that matters. Not money, not things money can buy, nothing.

Maybe my time has passed. Maybe it hasn’t. I don’t know, but I hope not.

There is nothing greater in this world than seeing a smile you are responsible for, feeling a touch you’ve thought about all day, hearing a voice that comforts. There is nothing more powerful in this world than love. More powerful than death, than sin, than all the evil that this world is being swallowed up in… love conquers all.

So forgive me just this month if I put aside all the misgivings I have over February and join the masses in believing that life is not complete without all the images that Valentine’s Day brings to mind. Forgive me if I soak in the romance of it all and dwell just for a moment on breath-taking first glances with eyes that smile and arms that hold tight and never let go.

Moments like these I believe God created love to give us something to live for, to die for, and to look forward to when times are tough.

Now you’ll have to excuse me. My chocolates and love song playlist are waiting.

I know my situation is a product of my own decisions, as there have been opportunities turned down and people turned away. And still, even though I’m not entirely happy with where I’m at, I continue to turn down the things which might bring me joy.

In matters of the heart, I claim to want love and yet give off a vibe that makes me the most unapproachable single mom alive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing it on purpose and I’m not playing games. I do want romance and chemistry and passion… but I don’t believe you should have to work for it. The greatest loves just happen. You have no say over it because the connection is there before either of you even know it. There is no work involved no matter how much self-sacrifice takes place; pure joy covers the effort.

Of all the times I’ve said “I love you” to a man, only once have I experienced such a connection. Our friendship was based on trust and understanding and acceptance right from the start because there was no other option. It just happened, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. No sooner did God bring him into my life did He take him away… perhaps a lesson to learn about what true love should be. Not something predictable by physical proximity, nor each other’s age, upbringing, or vices. But rather it’s a pillar of strength and a beacon of light that shines in the dark and points to the irreplaceable love of the Father. In good times and bad, the bond of friendship never ceases although one can pretend it does. Long enough to walk away can one fool themselves and forever be sorry.

He is gone now and though I fought hard to forget for quite some time, his death has made it harder to do so. Grief is a funny thing; it highlights what is missing in our lives and makes us believe that one shot is all we get. We believe nothing could ever be so good; that we’ve used up all the luck we had.

Say it isn’t so.

No, I’m not playing hard to get. I am hard to get. Love is not a game I want to play, a chance I want to take. I want to wake up in it, unexpectedly, without searching or trying or wondering. Because the real thing, it just happens. It’s there; before you’ve even had the chance to give your heart permission, it’s gone.

It happens. It did happen. It will again. God is so good I have to believe that.

Next time there will be no pretending. No walking away, afraid to fight the norm.

Until then, I may seem lonely and talk about love… I may wish for, hope for love. But I have my blinders on and will continue to say no… because I have realized that if I need to answer, it’s already too late. It’s not real.

We all have, at some point or another. To protect others, we use white lies and half-truths and call them harmless. All the while we reason… what they don’t know won’t hurt them.

We lie to ourselves also; we fail to face the truth and hide behind assumptions in order to be safe. This can be equally, if not more, dangerous than lying to someone’s face.

It doesn’t matter what kind of lies we tell — none of them are ever appropriate nor acceptable to God. Lying and deception are sins and while we’re all sinners, I cannot stand deceivers and others who thrive off hurting people this way.

So then you might see that for someone such as myself — one who has always been proud of her brutal honesty — realizing a recent habit of lies came as a harsh and painful truth.

I lied both to myself and to another.

The intention was to protect myself, but I ended up hurting myself instead. I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but at the first hint of pain, I closed up and replaced love with lies.

It’s so easy to tell yourself it doesn’t hurt… that it’s okay… that you’ll be alright… that you’re over it. It’s easy at first to tell someone you don’t care when you do. It’s easy to put up a wall and wait for someone to jump over it. What’s easy is not what’s best, however.

If you say no when you mean yes, and never when you want to say now, you grow further and further from the opportunity to know the truth. If you wait for certainty before deeply sharing your heart, you slowly lose the chance to share it at all. And if you shut people out of your life when all you want to do is love on them, you’re not only lying to yourself but cheating them out of an experience as well.

Too many times I’ve fallen in love and lost and I always get back up and try again. In fact, some may say I fall in love too easily, too quickly… but I know it is only because there is much to love about others. I see the good in them even if they don’t see it in themselves. Sometimes it seems like a curse and more often than not I trust people when I shouldn’t.

I am tired of lying.

I am tired of pretending I’m okay with being friends. I am tired of acting like it doesn’t bother me when other girls catch your eye or when I’m not the one you’re thinking of or spending time with. I am tired of convincing myself it will be better this way.

Pushing people away helps me avoid being vulnerable and getting hurt, but I must stop assuming it’s automatically going to happen and I must stop finding ways to sabotage my own efforts.

I’m not going to lie in this moment. My heart is hurting. It has been. Not because of his actions but my own.

He may not have wanted anything more than friendship, but did I even give him the chance to make that decision? I shut him out before the time even came and even with a second chance at friendship, I still push him away. I’m too scared to let him in, to feel unrequited love grow, to lose that love again.

But as long as I hold love at arm’s length, I will never get to embrace it. I will never let anyone in. I will always be alone.

I don’t want that.

So I must remember what love is, put it into practice, and then maybe one day it will endure…

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

In person at least.

Anyone who knows me knows that you put me in front of a keyboard and I’ll never shut up. But unless someone shows interest in learning more about me by asking me questions, I don’t always volunteer information.

There are two reasons for this:

1.  I am not skilled at communicating verbally, and
2.  I’d rather think, and listen.

Deep in a thought… my blog name has purpose.

I’ve had some wonderful conversations with some great people, don’t get me wrong. The best are the kind with an equal amount of give and take. Offer information, ask for information. Both people have to be interested in what the other has to say… even the slightest hint of otherwise dooms the conversation.

If you want to get to know me, take the time to get to know me.

Don’t ask one question and then dominate the rest of the conversation. I’ll listen, but you won’t learn.

You won’t learn a thing about me.

So here it is.

I’m just a girl who likes a boy. I didn’t need to know his life story before I knew I admired his heart.

But I’m also a girl with a history of men so anxious to leave me that one of them even blew his brains out. Though nothing compares to that loss, going through deception, lies, and betrayal doesn’t get easier.

I don’t believe in sharing certain moments with more than one person at a time – married or not.

I’m just a girl who now defines herself by what she can give… to her kids, her job, her friends and family.

But what I don’t give… is myself.

To someone who can’t appreciate the gift being offered and be happy to enjoy it without wondering what more is out there, what greater treasure may be found in the world of women.

Life’s too short.

I’ll wait for the one ready to give his heart to just one girl.

If you asked my friends, they’d probably say I’m the most easy-going and down-to-earth person they know. Yet, when I get an idea into my head, there’s almost no changing my mind. My belief system and opinions about certain things are something I hold onto tightly.

For instance, I believe that my ex-husband will never stop being a pathological liar. Almost nothing would convince me otherwise — even knowing the power of God to change us from the inside-out, no matter our past or present.

Now, this post isn’t about my ex and what he did or didn’t do. It’s about my own personal shortcomings related to this stubbornness.

Over the last few months, I’ve come to realize that once I’ve made up my mind about something — that’s it. There’s no turning back. But the last few days have shown me how incredibly unfair this is to the people in my life.

In particular, I have been dwelling on my inability to fully forgive someone for a past mistake — even though I played an equal part in it.

When someone apologizes for hurting you, how do you react?

• Accept the apology and move on like nothing happened?
• Accept the apology but never forget what happened?
• Or, decide neither to forgive nor forget?

I realized that I have accepted an apology but have not moved on. I’m still holding the past against this person and without reason.

People can and do change.

When God changes us, He does it from the inside-out, which means our outward actions may not quite align with the direction our heart is headed in. On the outside, it’s impossible to know where someone stands with God and that’s not our business to know anyway.

So why do I assume then that people can’t change? They could be changing before my very eyes and I may not even know it!

Nobody wants to open themselves up to hurt. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But I know God would want me to offer unlimited forgiveness… as well as grace.

I cannot be unwilling to give people a second chance just because of my own fears. If everyone treated forgiveness that way, would any of us ever really be forgiven? I have needed this grace so many times myself and I’m thankful that others gave me that second chance.

So I will do it.

I will set aside stubbornness and allow myself to be vulnerable by believing that change is not only possible, but inevitable.

I will fully forgive my friend, moving on without keeping a record of wrongs.

And I will seek forgiveness myself, for failing to believe in him, his progress, and his path to change. Just because I don’t see it with my eyes, doesn’t mean God can’t see it in his heart.

I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?

“The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved.”

I came across this musical lyric not more than 10 minutes ago while listening to Pandora, and it struck a nerve. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be lovable, what it takes to be lovable, and what kind of walls get put up that keep someone from receiving the love they truly deserve.

I recently watched the new movie release, Beastly, which is a modern retelling of the classic Beauty and the Beast. The concept is the same… man loves beauty, is cursed and turned into a beast, at which point he must get someone to fall in love with him before times runs out or he’ll stay that way forever. It’s a well-known fairytale — one that I have to admit is my favorite — and for good reason.

My heart has always resonated with Beast, in his ugliness. His plight is one people of this world face everyday — how to be lovable when all you feel is hatred for yourself on the inside and out. How do you come to acceptance of the hand you’ve been dealt? Or learn to appreciate what you can offer instead of what you wish you could?

I know there are many people out there right now struggling, wanting to find a reason to be loved. To you, I have something to say.

You’re not alone.

You are beautiful. Inside and out.

You matter. To me. To your friends, family, coworkers. To humanity.

Your life makes a difference. Find that difference. Embrace it. Love it.

This is how love will find you.

Whether your curse is a wall you’ve put up, a job you’re too busy doing, a lack of self confidence in your appearance, or the disapproval of others in any area of your life — know that there is love in this world waiting for you. A curse only holds power if you believe in it, so instead believe you are lovable and prove it to yourself.

I challenge you, like Beast, to take a leap of faith this week. Seek out a source of happiness and explore it. Find that reason to be loved and then share it with others just as I am with you.

“Love wasn’t put in your heart to stay. Love isn’t love until you give it away.”

I have a daily journal and used to write in it faithfully each night before bed, but since the Big D, I have had a hard time making that a priority in my busy schedule. I have a hard enough time writing regularly on this blog. But I know me, and I know when I stop writing, I get cranky.

So… let’s do a little “how does that make you feel” and see if it helps.

School – I’m so frustrated with college right now. I’m feeling a lot of pressure to continue to a BA degree, but I’m so done. Tuition keeps going up, I’m in over my head in student loans and I can’t focus on my family the way I need to when school is such a high priority. I just registered for Fall classes today, and I’ll be taking the two classes needed for the AA and I’m taking a break… those other 95 units will have to come in handy when I win the lottery and feel like applying to Chico State.

My Kids – You know me as an honest person, so I just have to say I have had a lot of trouble with one of my girls lately. So. Much. Stress! I finally broke down and made an appointment with a psychiatrist because if I didn’t, I was going to end up seeing one eventually when they locked me in the looney bin. Her follow up is Thursday and hopefully I’ll have a better idea of what’s going on with her so we can deal with it.

My Job – What can I say? I love my job. Sure, it has some stressful moments, but I have great co-workers and a wonderful boss who sees my abilities and passions and is more than happy to tailor my position to uniquely help those in the community who suffer from things I am educated about. If it were a full-time position with benefits, I’d be the happiest person in the world, but for now I’m considering it the best experience a person can get in the world of special needs and disability advocacy.

That leaves the one thing I’m most excited and scared about at the same time – my new love. Oh yes, I don’t doubt that I am in love, fallen hard, but I find myself having a hard time just letting it be. Does that make sense?

It’s been a LONG time since I opened my heart to someone this way and something isn’t right. I don’t feel 100% vulnerable. I’m completely honest with him… I’m myself around him, as far as I know. When he’s over, I discipline my kids the way I normally would, I eat what I normally would, I tell him how I feel about things that are important to me, etc. But I still feel on-guard, which is weird because I’m usually the type that jumps right in and gets too emotionally attached too fast.

I wonder if this means I’m being more mature about all this… treating it like real love and not a fling or lust. On the other hand, I feel guilty… like I’m being distrustful and assuming he will leave if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or look the wrong way in any given moment. It’s not fair to him to make these assumptions or carry these worries based on past events with men who (obviously) didn’t know a thing about real commitment. When you make that decision to be with someone, you decide to accept all of them no matter what.

We’ve already talked about that and both seem to be on the same page as far as what commitment means, but I’m still scared. A part of me thinks that’s a sign of how serious this is or could get. I don’t remember EVER being scared with any men I’ve ever made a commitment to. Never. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

I guess it comes down trusting that other person knows how to handle disappointment, because nobody is perfect and everyone disappoints their partner at some point or another. I’ve lived through plenty of disappointment in my life and know how to handle it well… but does he? Am I selling myself short or not putting enough faith in him? Probably both.

But I love him. I really do.

I just hope he knows how much.

Not wanting to jinx anything, I have kept much to myself since we went on our first date. I don’t know at what point it’s appropriate to tell the world how I feel or at what point the line between friends and more has been crossed. All I know is when he is not here, I wish he was and first thing every morning my kids ask when they get to see him again. They love him and he adores them; that alone is enough to win my heart. Thankfully there is so much more to appreciate about him.

I’m trying hard to stay level-headed and keep from being swept away too quickly. I remember what it’s like to lose and hurt as it wasn’t all that long ago. I can still feel the wall I built around my heart. It’s now crumbling brick by brick though and I am feeling things I haven’t felt in quite a while. I have to say it scares me. Trusting someone, letting them into your world, being vulnerable, revealing your faults… the process of falling in love can be brutal but exhilarating at the same time.

Close to the tipping point of falling, I am holding on to the safety of being single and behind a wall. I can’t stay there forever though… I don’t want to and the kids don’t want me to. So I put all my trust in God and pray for guidance as I wait to see where this unfolds.

Only He knows if this is the man I’ve been praying for..