I am Just Me

As I’ve aged, I’ve learned to talk less and listen more.

In person at least.

Anyone who knows me knows that you put me in front of a keyboard and I’ll never shut up. But unless someone shows interest in learning more about me by asking me questions, I don’t always volunteer information.

There are two reasons for this:

1.  I am not skilled at communicating verbally, and
2.  I’d rather think, and listen.

Deep in a thought… my blog name has purpose.

I’ve had some wonderful conversations with some great people, don’t get me wrong. The best are the kind with an equal amount of give and take. Offer information, ask for information. Both people have to be interested in what the other has to say… even the slightest hint of otherwise dooms the conversation.

If you want to get to know me, take the time to get to know me.

Don’t ask one question and then dominate the rest of the conversation. I’ll listen, but you won’t learn.

You won’t learn a thing about me.

So here it is.

I’m just a girl who likes a boy. I didn’t need to know his life story before I knew I admired his heart.

But I’m also a girl with a history of men so anxious to leave me that one of them even blew his brains out. Though nothing compares to that loss, going through deception, lies, and betrayal doesn’t get easier.

I don’t believe in sharing certain moments with more than one person at a time – married or not.

I’m just a girl who now defines herself by what she can give… to her kids, her job, her friends and family.

But what I don’t give… is myself.

To someone who can’t appreciate the gift being offered and be happy to enjoy it without wondering what more is out there, what greater treasure may be found in the world of women.

Life’s too short.

I’ll wait for the one ready to give his heart to just one girl.

Forgive Me?

I’m stubborn. I admit it.

If you asked my friends, they’d probably say I’m the most easy-going and down-to-earth person they know. Yet, when I get an idea into my head, there’s almost no changing my mind. My belief system and opinions about certain things are something I hold onto tightly.

For instance, I believe that my ex-husband will never stop being a pathological liar. Almost nothing would convince me otherwise — even knowing the power of God to change us from the inside-out, no matter our past or present.

Now, this post isn’t about my ex and what he did or didn’t do. It’s about my own personal shortcomings related to this stubbornness.

Over the last few months, I’ve come to realize that once I’ve made up my mind about something — that’s it. There’s no turning back. But the last few days have shown me how incredibly unfair this is to the people in my life.

In particular, I have been dwelling on my inability to fully forgive someone for a past mistake — even though I played an equal part in it.

When someone apologizes for hurting you, how do you react?

• Accept the apology and move on like nothing happened?
• Accept the apology but never forget what happened?
• Or, decide neither to forgive nor forget?

I realized that I have accepted an apology but have not moved on. I’m still holding the past against this person and without reason.

People can and do change.

When God changes us, He does it from the inside-out, which means our outward actions may not quite align with the direction our heart is headed in. On the outside, it’s impossible to know where someone stands with God and that’s not our business to know anyway.

So why do I assume then that people can’t change? They could be changing before my very eyes and I may not even know it!

Nobody wants to open themselves up to hurt. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But I know God would want me to offer unlimited forgiveness… as well as grace.

I cannot be unwilling to give people a second chance just because of my own fears. If everyone treated forgiveness that way, would any of us ever really be forgiven? I have needed this grace so many times myself and I’m thankful that others gave me that second chance.

So I will do it.

I will set aside stubbornness and allow myself to be vulnerable by believing that change is not only possible, but inevitable.

I will fully forgive my friend, moving on without keeping a record of wrongs.

And I will seek forgiveness myself, for failing to believe in him, his progress, and his path to change. Just because I don’t see it with my eyes, doesn’t mean God can’t see it in his heart.

I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?

A Lovable Beast

“The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved.”

I came across this musical lyric not more than 10 minutes ago while listening to Pandora, and it struck a nerve. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be lovable, what it takes to be lovable, and what kind of walls get put up that keep someone from receiving the love they truly deserve.

I recently watched the new movie release, Beastly, which is a modern retelling of the classic Beauty and the Beast. The concept is the same… man loves beauty, is cursed and turned into a beast, at which point he must get someone to fall in love with him before times runs out or he’ll stay that way forever. It’s a well-known fairytale — one that I have to admit is my favorite — and for good reason.

My heart has always resonated with Beast, in his ugliness. His plight is one people of this world face everyday — how to be lovable when all you feel is hatred for yourself on the inside and out. How do you come to acceptance of the hand you’ve been dealt? Or learn to appreciate what you can offer instead of what you wish you could?

I know there are many people out there right now struggling, wanting to find a reason to be loved. To you, I have something to say.

You’re not alone.

You are beautiful. Inside and out.

You matter. To me. To your friends, family, coworkers. To humanity.

Your life makes a difference. Find that difference. Embrace it. Love it.

This is how love will find you.

Whether your curse is a wall you’ve put up, a job you’re too busy doing, a lack of self confidence in your appearance, or the disapproval of others in any area of your life — know that there is love in this world waiting for you. A curse only holds power if you believe in it, so instead believe you are lovable and prove it to yourself.

I challenge you, like Beast, to take a leap of faith this week. Seek out a source of happiness and explore it. Find that reason to be loved and then share it with others just as I am with you.

“Love wasn’t put in your heart to stay. Love isn’t love until you give it away.”

Will Write for Therapy

It’s been one of those weeks when I feel way more emotional than usual. It doesn’t happen much these days; I’m more likely to be anxious and wound-up than tearful and quiet, but the sun seems to be gone from more than just the skies this week.

I have a daily journal and used to write in it faithfully each night before bed, but since the Big D, I have had a hard time making that a priority in my busy schedule. I have a hard enough time writing regularly on this blog. But I know me, and I know when I stop writing, I get cranky.

So… let’s do a little “how does that make you feel” and see if it helps.

School – I’m so frustrated with college right now. I’m feeling a lot of pressure to continue to a BA degree, but I’m so done. Tuition keeps going up, I’m in over my head in student loans and I can’t focus on my family the way I need to when school is such a high priority. I just registered for Fall classes today, and I’ll be taking the two classes needed for the AA and I’m taking a break… those other 95 units will have to come in handy when I win the lottery and feel like applying to Chico State.

My Kids – You know me as an honest person, so I just have to say I have had a lot of trouble with one of my girls lately. So. Much. Stress! I finally broke down and made an appointment with a psychiatrist because if I didn’t, I was going to end up seeing one eventually when they locked me in the looney bin. Her follow up is Thursday and hopefully I’ll have a better idea of what’s going on with her so we can deal with it.

My Job – What can I say? I love my job. Sure, it has some stressful moments, but I have great co-workers and a wonderful boss who sees my abilities and passions and is more than happy to tailor my position to uniquely help those in the community who suffer from things I am educated about. If it were a full-time position with benefits, I’d be the happiest person in the world, but for now I’m considering it the best experience a person can get in the world of special needs and disability advocacy.

That leaves the one thing I’m most excited and scared about at the same time – my new love. Oh yes, I don’t doubt that I am in love, fallen hard, but I find myself having a hard time just letting it be. Does that make sense?

It’s been a LONG time since I opened my heart to someone this way and something isn’t right. I don’t feel 100% vulnerable. I’m completely honest with him… I’m myself around him, as far as I know. When he’s over, I discipline my kids the way I normally would, I eat what I normally would, I tell him how I feel about things that are important to me, etc. But I still feel on-guard, which is weird because I’m usually the type that jumps right in and gets too emotionally attached too fast.

I wonder if this means I’m being more mature about all this… treating it like real love and not a fling or lust. On the other hand, I feel guilty… like I’m being distrustful and assuming he will leave if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or look the wrong way in any given moment. It’s not fair to him to make these assumptions or carry these worries based on past events with men who (obviously) didn’t know a thing about real commitment. When you make that decision to be with someone, you decide to accept all of them no matter what.

We’ve already talked about that and both seem to be on the same page as far as what commitment means, but I’m still scared. A part of me thinks that’s a sign of how serious this is or could get. I don’t remember EVER being scared with any men I’ve ever made a commitment to. Never. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

I guess it comes down trusting that other person knows how to handle disappointment, because nobody is perfect and everyone disappoints their partner at some point or another. I’ve lived through plenty of disappointment in my life and know how to handle it well… but does he? Am I selling myself short or not putting enough faith in him? Probably both.

But I love him. I really do.

I just hope he knows how much.

Brighter Days

I have a bad habit of not writing when life gets going good, and that it is. College courses began in late January and in the same week I bought a new (used) car and got a new job. It’s been a good year so far. In fact, I figured I had used up all my good luck for the year until life got even brighter a few weeks ago when I met someone who is becoming a special person in my life.

Not wanting to jinx anything, I have kept much to myself since we went on our first date. I don’t know at what point it’s appropriate to tell the world how I feel or at what point the line between friends and more has been crossed. All I know is when he is not here, I wish he was and first thing every morning my kids ask when they get to see him again. They love him and he adores them; that alone is enough to win my heart. Thankfully there is so much more to appreciate about him.

I’m trying hard to stay level-headed and keep from being swept away too quickly. I remember what it’s like to lose and hurt as it wasn’t all that long ago. I can still feel the wall I built around my heart. It’s now crumbling brick by brick though and I am feeling things I haven’t felt in quite a while. I have to say it scares me. Trusting someone, letting them into your world, being vulnerable, revealing your faults… the process of falling in love can be brutal but exhilarating at the same time.

Close to the tipping point of falling, I am holding on to the safety of being single and behind a wall. I can’t stay there forever though… I don’t want to and the kids don’t want me to. So I put all my trust in God and pray for guidance as I wait to see where this unfolds.

Only He knows if this is the man I’ve been praying for..